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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Fate Dealerdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Poechick13
    ASL Info:    16/f/IN
    Elite Ratio:    3.34 - 42/59/22
    Words: 75
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 266
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 518



    Description:
       In this i thought of one person who creates "fate" for everyone, but someone doesn't like it, because they died.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsFate Dealerdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Cutting deeper, darkened sleeper
    Return to the grave, eternity seeker
    With all your might, day and night
    Thinking of your fate dealer

    She sits in trees, with broken knees
    Needs them not, for she has wings
    Takes off in flight, leaving sight
    Away, for now, your fate she brings

    "Revenge," you say, but not today
    You're underground, but that you may
    Chose a battle you can't fight
    You curse as she flies away




    Submitted on 2004-09-10 17:08:58     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I think the first and last stanzas are a little confusing. They didn't give justice to this awesome name or the second stanza. The second stanza was good. Maybe you could work from that to create a different beginning and end. Just a thought. Good job anyway. :)
    -blt
    | Posted on 2004-09-10 00:00:00 | by borderlinetears | [ Reply to This ]
      I think there is enough approximate rhyme going on that you don't notice too much that the last stanza is different. I like some of what Draco added..but find your own feel to it. one more stanza would help your reader out, so that you don't need a discription.
    jan
    | Posted on 2004-09-10 00:00:00 | by jaycee | [ Reply to This ]
      This is very powerful. It creates a dark picture that is very vivid and potent. The only thing that threw me off was the fact that the last line didn't rhyme with anything. Once you've got a theme going (a certain rhyme pattern, flow, etc.) it's better to stick with it.
    -Secret
    | Posted on 2004-09-10 00:00:00 | by secret moon | [ Reply to This ]



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    January 10 07
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