Description: i think i've got my inspiration back...haven't written anything NEW in a while...so this may still be rough.
Unexamined rose -------------------------------------------
Everywhere around her
People pass on by
Looking for, not seeing
Like a memory gone by
She could be your hero
She could be your love
She's no simple person
She was sent from up above
Everywhere around her
And everywhere she goes
People look right through her
She's an unexamined rose
Don't you hear her calling?
She's crying out for you
So afraid of falling
You look right through her too
She could be your memory
She would hold you close
Look around more gently
There's that unexamined rose
All she needs is one love
All she needs is you
Once you look more closely
You will know you need her too
She will be you hero
You will hold her close
No longer gone unseen
You've found the unexamined rose.
With your help she'll bloom
But you watch her close
Someday soon you'll notice
She's a lovely full grown rose
She can be your hero
You can be her love
The two of you together
Were predestined up above
Again, another write that you probably wrote along time ago. But really amazing. To me I don't know if you heard of this singer, but this reminds me of a song by Jesse McCartney.. Shes no you!.. the tune kept coming to me everytime I would read it.
About this, I am still wondering what made you chose this format. It seems like you have one already planned out for all your lyrics, or you own little format.. its kinda cute. Again the rhyming was very good, and everything flowed, very easy to read.. Loved it..
Again I just wish I can hear these.. mayeb after all it will sound like that song. Or mayeb not. Maybe I am just hearing my own little tune for it... I know Iam like weird. A
Anyways good job. ANother one of your amazing lyrics. Loving the imagery!
I really like this Ice. It elicits much emotion from the reader. Your use of line repetition, which I normally don't use, is done very nicely, and adds strength and rhythm to the piece. I don't see anything that I would change. Great Job! :)
Third person? It's okay but I think you could be better off if you extend on the metaphor or add some depth. Using that syntax is a bit general. Example: talking about a little kid- She could be an astronaut She could be the president What stands in the way? She is the future today.
-Simple rhetorical questions and repeating sytax. Try extending your ideas and making the poem more personalized. Kill arguments? The first thing I thought was, "this is a shy person that doesn't understand why the world passes her by". Maybe a line like talking about seeking out to people with rejection or ignored.
I agree with darkfairy, it had a nice rhyme scheme and there were a couple things (which ween't very obvious) that could be fixed. all in all, very nice. -Shadows-
Yeah I dont know where you got the thought "rough" from. Nowhere near it. The only thing i found is two places you have 'you' where i think its supposed to be 'your'. I love this poem. I really do. Keep it up please :-D!
Submission Name: Unexamined rose
