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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: My Sonsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: colopoao
    ASL Info:    42/ Male / Hallowell Mai
    Elite Ratio:    4.89 - 62/55/18
    Words: 19
    Class/Type: Haiku/Happy
    Total Views: 975
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 95



    Description:
       My first attempt at a Haiku. I think it turned out ok? Hope you like it.. The first version had a problem. This is revision 2.



    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMy Sonsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I love my two sons
    They look up and see the sun
    I look up and see





    Submitted on 2004-09-11 11:26:54     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      You did get the syllable count right, but from what i've been told, a haiku should do with only nature, not man, a senryu can do with man, and i was also told that the first two lines should be wrapped up into the final line, like an "oh yeah, I get it!" moment. like "I finally see" you know what I mean? also there is a definition page at poetrysoup.com that you can print out with all sorts of different types of poetry, that is what i refer back to when i come across a type that I have not heard of and dont know how to comment on!~~tracy
    | Posted on 2005-11-07 00:00:00 | by tmullins | [ Reply to This ]
      There seems to be a poignancy coming out of this bright and wonderful short poem.
    Almost sounding like regret or even how things could have been.
    The haiku style is an added attraction.
    'I look up and SEE' (my emphasis) is the line/word that brought it all together for me.
    | Posted on 2005-10-16 00:00:00 | by arkayye | [ Reply to This ]
      this little poem reflects to me that the family unit is strong in your life
    if i was to finish your last line i would say

    i look up and see
    my sons growing so fast
    remembering the times
    of a gifted life

    Take Care Of Yourself and please keep in touch
    Ron

    thank you also for your comments on closure
    my father and me are growing as one
    the way life was meant to be



    there
    | Posted on 2005-10-16 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      Well... it's happy and shows that you love your two sons, i give you that. And you did get the struture of the 5/7/5 syllables right. So congrats on that. However, to be perfectly honest, there's no hidden meaning in it or any beauty expressed in it. But i guess i am being too harsh, it IS your first attempt right? Well, it's a good one.
    Aken Sol
    | Posted on 2004-09-12 00:00:00 | by Aken Sol | [ Reply to This ]


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