Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: My Sonsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: colopoao
    ASL Info:    42/ Male / Hallowell Mai
    Elite Ratio:    4.89 - 62/55/18
    Words: 19
    Class/Type: Haiku/Happy
    Total Views: 901
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 95



    Description:
       My first attempt at a Haiku. I think it turned out ok? Hope you like it.. The first version had a problem. This is revision 2.



    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMy Sonsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I love my two sons
    They look up and see the sun
    I look up and see





    Submitted on 2004-09-11 11:26:54     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      You did get the syllable count right, but from what i've been told, a haiku should do with only nature, not man, a senryu can do with man, and i was also told that the first two lines should be wrapped up into the final line, like an "oh yeah, I get it!" moment. like "I finally see" you know what I mean? also there is a definition page at poetrysoup.com that you can print out with all sorts of different types of poetry, that is what i refer back to when i come across a type that I have not heard of and dont know how to comment on!~~tracy
    | Posted on 2005-11-07 00:00:00 | by tmullins | [ Reply to This ]
      There seems to be a poignancy coming out of this bright and wonderful short poem.
    Almost sounding like regret or even how things could have been.
    The haiku style is an added attraction.
    'I look up and SEE' (my emphasis) is the line/word that brought it all together for me.
    | Posted on 2005-10-16 00:00:00 | by arkayye | [ Reply to This ]
      this little poem reflects to me that the family unit is strong in your life
    if i was to finish your last line i would say

    i look up and see
    my sons growing so fast
    remembering the times
    of a gifted life

    Take Care Of Yourself and please keep in touch
    Ron

    thank you also for your comments on closure
    my father and me are growing as one
    the way life was meant to be



    there
    | Posted on 2005-10-16 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      Well... it's happy and shows that you love your two sons, i give you that. And you did get the struture of the 5/7/5 syllables right. So congrats on that. However, to be perfectly honest, there's no hidden meaning in it or any beauty expressed in it. But i guess i am being too harsh, it IS your first attempt right? Well, it's a good one.
    Aken Sol
    | Posted on 2004-09-12 00:00:00 | by Aken Sol | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    23891

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (3) written by endlessgame23
    the living moment written by ShyOne
    i've missed written by mysalvation
    Every..... written by jackz
    Blood Stains Are The Worst written by ForgottenGraves
    Sleep Talk written by Queen_of_spades
    to Be like written by KeeperOfLight
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (4) written by endlessgame23
    winners circle written by ShyOne
    prison written by ShyOne
    no words for how graceful you are in this moment written by Daniel Barlow
    Deep Into A World Of Despair written by DeathTone
    PEARL (Exclusive Poem) 10th Anniversary... written by Cordell
    Silent Screams In Silent Dreams written by poetotoe
    More then just goodbye written by faideddarkness
    The Unicorn written by BlazeFlamme
    Cover written by saartha
    Carry written by saartha
    Love written by saartha
    an unashamed poverty written by Daniel Barlow
    Physician, Heal Thyself written by WriteSomething
    the testing of hypotheses written by Daniel Barlow
    a mood to be free written by Daniel Barlow
    Cosmic Dreams written by Chelebel
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (2) written by endlessgame23
    mimicry written by expiring_touch
    The Severed Head written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Shut Up written by annie0888
    Waiting written by Daniel Barlow
    Formal Jen written by Daniel Barlow

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry