You did get the syllable count right, but from what i've been told, a haiku should do with only nature, not man, a senryu can do with man, and i was also told that the first two lines should be wrapped up into the final line, like an "oh yeah, I get it!" moment. like "I finally see" you know what I mean? also there is a definition page at poetrysoup.com that you can print out with all sorts of different types of poetry, that is what i refer back to when i come across a type that I have not heard of and dont know how to comment on!~~tracy
There seems to be a poignancy coming out of this bright and wonderful short poem. Almost sounding like regret or even how things could have been. The haiku style is an added attraction. 'I look up and SEE' (my emphasis) is the line/word that brought it all together for me.
Well... it's happy and shows that you love your two sons, i give you that. And you did get the struture of the 5/7/5 syllables right. So congrats on that. However, to be perfectly honest, there's no hidden meaning in it or any beauty expressed in it. But i guess i am being too harsh, it IS your first attempt right? Well, it's a good one. Aken Sol