Nimble hands etching a steady canyon
Matching a patient, rigid heart already forgot
The carpentry was grand, a seamless portrait
Yet just a sliver of the gash in her heart was all it bought
For to love her
He could not
Feet that once danced to the music
Of his breathing, soles searing, shots to her knee
Bare and calloused, soles heavy tread now ballast, Legs
Exhausted to please, a kiss to deliver- but would he?
After her third fall, and his third neglect-she realized
Surely, he could not be!
Jets of black mane hid the caramel in her eyes
Brown locks soon to kiss old life; with hands gloved
Clutching a knife, hounding hair and truth itself
Testimonies by the waking sun who shoved
And tossed, and hinted as to just why
He could not be loved
So she traces his hairline with both hands
Standing on tiptoes to reach and embrace
Red, her heart in his palms; Groping for his wrongs,
Instead, happening upon a faultless face
Defeated and tried, she surrenders old favors- for
He couldn’t be loved for what he was not graced.
| In some points along the line, this made absolutely no sense to me, but at other points the sense made was perfect. |
I can hoestly relate to this poem, I used to be that "guy who cannot be loved" but self re evaluation taught me better, which you read in my poem Fallen.
I can understand why this seems stranger every time you try to read it. It was odd the first time I tried to read it, and it get's wierder and wierder every time I try to reread it. Not overly a bad poem in general, but could use some work.
I like your imagery in this peice. I can almost see a downcast woman tracing a man's face with her hands.
|| Posted on 2006-01-26 00:00:00 | by ThisIsReal | [ Reply to This ] || this sounds very dark to me, a heart with a gleaming blade in it and his callousness. sounds like me without the knife sheesh. overall a haunting tone of what sounds like a serial killer of sorts or maybe a crime of passion i dont know, dark i would say. well written, |
|| Posted on 2005-09-24 00:00:00 | by inspirit999 | [ Reply to This ] || man, that last line kick some major ass, you state what has already been said but just make it pop...like usall you paint a very vivd piture...this time it's a feeling...but still pretty kick ass|
|| Posted on 2004-10-03 00:00:00 | by milo stills | [ Reply to This ] || I am definately struck by this piece. I have to agree with the piece that there are parts that are hard to follow, but I do like the randomness and abstractness of the piece. I am going to have to read this again and give a thorough comment. I really like this, and I think maybe it could use some refining. I hope I can be more helpful later when I'm less sleepy, but for now,|
|| Posted on 2004-09-14 00:00:00 | by nicelyJ | [ Reply to This ] || Suven... I would not say this is your best piece, but it was definetly excellent. Or as Mrs. Ayers would say Excellente. ha. Ok anyway, back to business. It was so abstarct and random, or so it seemed, that I couldnt quite follow. Even though it wasn't the clearest of writes it was still filled with much thought and definite emotion, as is all your poetry. Never stop writing, and remember "the commandments". ||| Posted on 2004-09-11 00:00:00 | by Kali | [ Reply to This ] |