I missed you today.
So I wrote your name on a sheet of paper.
I placed it close to my heart,
and when the cold came, it gave me warmth.
I needed you today.
So I called out your name but heard no reply.
Sitting in a corner,
Watching the minutes pass by.
You are being missed tonight.
I long to feel your hand clasped in mine,
And to feel my arms around you,
Holding you tight.
Wanting to feel your lips so soft,
Your kiss will take us to Heaven's Loft,
And there we'll stay forever more,
As we make love on our Golden Shore.
| This captures such sadness, mixed with love and beauty. The stanzas tended to change around a lot. The last stanza was my favorite. I am more of the hopeless romantic type, so of course this poem and it's beauty got to me. I find it to be a great piece, seemingly written from the heart. Keep up the good work and welcome to the site. ||| Posted on 2004-09-11 00:00:00 | by Kali | [ Reply to This ] || Woot. *does first view/comment dance* (I bet people are gonna comment while I type this) Hmm...at first I thought this was about someone you knew who had died in 9/11, but then I scrolled and saw the summary (creepy... its 666 bytes). It might be interesting if you applied this poem to in a different light: title it so that it sounds as if it were to someone who had passed (if your gf won't be offended ); it might seem more substantial if it were regarded as more than an average relationship. |
Despite the almost cliché first stanza, the phrases you choose work for the poem. I really did get a sense of longing and love when I read this, even before I saw who it was for. This is a pretty cute piece with admirable intentions. My only suggestion would be to take a look at the rhythm of the poem...I know this was spur-of-the-moment, but if you want to revise it, that would be something to consider. The last stanza is especially prominent in how much its rhythm deviates from the rest of the piece. Honestly, I don't really like the last stanza...it's a little too cheesy for me (no offense intended ). Again, I take into consideration how sporadically you wrote this...spontaneity makes it hard to write because you tend to put down what's on the surface on your mind, just to get the thought off your mind. (*blinks*)
Anywho...I really do think this piece could have great artistry with some time spent on revision... welcome to the site!
|| Posted on 2004-09-11 00:00:00 | by Aimee | [ Reply to This ] || The last stanza while very nice seems a bit off... maybe because you used rhyme where its not implememented in the other stanzas. The first two stanzas were nicely done, I especially liked the control you have of the reader through punctuation and line breaks.||| Posted on 2004-09-11 00:00:00 | by jaycee | [ Reply to This ] |