Hidden in shadow’s dark cloak- nobody knows him;
Mystery is cut short about, how do you figure him out?
Slice the cover, unveil his secrets, plunge in dagger first.
Guard your heart, keep him coming, stop the cut, quit the bleeding;
Head bowed, walking in the rain, moon glistening, ice-coated pain.
To the pavement: hot tears of uncertainty splatter without care
Hammering dew atop his dark hair.
Oblivious where he’s headed, to her quarters he had threaded!
Unwillingly, he succumbs to her whom he was drawn
But where had she gone….?
He plays harmonica under the stars, gently sighing their songs
One that allures and heals her scars, the second, to ease all wrongs.
And as he trod through the leafless park- the boy recalls her gaze
He discovered her in the distant dark, looking cold with no embrace.
Faintly lighted, not a sound, she stood up but held her ground
For another man was approaching soon- and whistling their very tune!
Under some wicked cue, the stars combined, confusing who is who?
This man wore a liking face. And he…. he wore the one who lost love’s race.
| IS THIS BASED ON ANY STORY.IT IS GOOD ONE||| Posted on 2007-04-29 00:00:00 | by SAMEER | [ Reply to This ] || I really like this one. First of all, it's definitely going on my favorites list as soon as I finish this comment. I have a few suggestions. . .|
On the first line of the third block-thingy, I would change the wording to this. . .
"Unwillingly, he succumbs to her to whom he was drawn"
Also, I would change the word "boy" to "man" in the first line of the fourth block-thingy. . . the picture you've been portraying seems to be of an older person than might be considered a man. Other than that, awesome write!
|| Posted on 2004-09-21 00:00:00 | by secret moon | [ Reply to This ] || I think you have some really cool imagery in this piece. I do have problems with some of the flow and rhyme. I hate being vague and unhelpful. I do believe the piece could use a tad bit of revision.|
"Hot tears of uncertainty"
I like that very much!
I enjoyed the read.
|| Posted on 2004-09-20 00:00:00 | by nicelyJ | [ Reply to This ] || The picture that this poem draws for me is very interesting...(harmonicas? sweet!) I love the way you have unusual imagery. I feel as if it is from a totally diffenent view than i am used to... Personally i like the rhymes, though they do vary in form. Beautiful mystery... I wish it was more explained, but that is what gives it its allure... very good, as always, Suven. |
|| Posted on 2004-09-12 00:00:00 | by Ari Leukos | [ Reply to This ] || This piece as some awesome imagery. Do you write stories? Because this writing seems to be based around story-style writing with the imagery and everything. I don't like the rhyme scheme though, I think it should be either fixed rhyming like abab etc or free-style poetry, not a bit of both. Thats the only critisism I have.||| Posted on 2004-09-12 00:00:00 | by JimweiZERO | [ Reply to This ] || This is really cool. Although I am too retarded right now to understand exactly what is going on. I love the subtle rhyme scheme in there and the way you structured the piece. ALso I really like the visual imagery I got of a park with no leaves on the ground, nice writing.|
I wonder if staring at a glass screen for hours destroys braincells?
That would explain alot.
peace clever endeavor,
|| Posted on 2004-09-12 00:00:00 | by Mister Fizzle | [ Reply to This ] |