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    dots Submission Name: Should I tell youdots

    Author: Nagow
    ASL Info:    20/f/Denmark
    Elite Ratio:    2.56 - 56/70/29
    Words: 96
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 816
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 603

       Writing after a night out, so I'm not totally sober, but I guess it turned out okay anyway..
    Please make comments

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsShould I tell youdots

    This strangle me slowly inside
    takes me to a place I can't hide
    Baring my feelings to you
    Is something I just can't do

    We are worlds apart
    but you can't be erased from my heart
    you make me feel good
    Even when I know I should

    Let the thought of you slip away
    with nothing more to say
    But I can't do that
    that would leave me really sad

    You've taken a part of my heart
    You took it from the start
    Now I'm totally lost
    don't let me pay the cost

    Submitted on 2004-09-12 11:22:01     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Get terribly drunk, and me and you will have a poetry writting competition. Sound like a good or bad idea? (this is to extend the comment) Well it was actually a pretty good read now that I looked it over.
    | Posted on 2004-09-12 00:00:00 | by Das_Ein_Sinender | [ Reply to This ]
      Has someone left you sweetie ?. looks like it...the last three para's look fine but the first one seems vague ..its a good job though
    | Posted on 2004-09-12 00:00:00 | by Sophia | [ Reply to This ]
      I think that the simple words that you used go really well with the simple message that this poem gives. There are areas to improve on, flow and rhyming need some work but you were only partly sober after all.
    | Posted on 2004-09-12 00:00:00 | by JimweiZERO | [ Reply to This ]
      I've often thought that the old "He loves me, he loves me not" should be replaced by "Should I tell him, should I not". It's something we all struggle with.

    But I didn't get this line at all...
    "This strangle me slowly inside
    takes me to a place I can't hide"
    Do you mean "strangle" or another word. I thought it was struggle but that doesn't make sense either.

    Also, I felt that some of the lines had forced rhymes. Maybe you could try free verse. It helps you express things better without having to rhyme.

    | Posted on 2004-09-12 00:00:00 | by Judy | [ Reply to This ]
      i really liked this poem.. i felt like it reached out to me.. it explains how im feeling right now. i added it to my favorites just because of that... I SWEAR IT SPOKE TO ME! .. but anyways, great job... for the fact you were partly sober
    ~nameless child
    | Posted on 2004-09-12 00:00:00 | by nameless child | [ Reply to This ]

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