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Fashion Me With Fire


Author: J. A. Clark
ASL Info:    25/m/GA
Elite Ratio:    4.01 - 50 /51 /12
Words: 123
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 763
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 747



Description:


This is just a draft..keep the comments coming as a revision is definitly necessary and will be in the works.. i am open to any idea, thoughts, and criticism..as long as it's constructive


Fashion Me With Fire



Let my cry rise to your ear
my heart is being seared.
My food has become ashes,
and my drink mixed with tears.

My nights have become my days,
my days no longer exist.
For you have cast me off,
How much more can I take of this?

The sun smiles at my torture,
The moon sneers with delight.
I'm sure of nothing,
I can't even see your light.


You said you'd never leave,
how do I know for sure?
I feel a tug at my heart,
And I know your love endures.

So bring me out of this cistern,
Pull me from the mire.
Douse the pain with your love,
and fashion me with fire.




Submitted on 2004-09-12 23:48:44     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  Well J A..clark I liked it...but I'm a freak..lol
just playing..less is always more..yet to little gets confusing...please...
the uncertainty in this undying love had a very crushed heart feel about it..
the first stanza is my fav...
keep it up
I'll read
~clay~
| Posted on 2004-09-13 00:00:00 | by clay | [ Reply to This ]
  I think the rhythmn is a little shaky in parts because of too many words, but overall good job. I like how the title pops up at the end and pulls everything together.
| Posted on 2004-09-12 00:00:00 | by Lunablue | [ Reply to This ]
  Pretty cool poem, but the rhyming scheme of the first stanza seems a bit off. Are you trying to rhyme line 1 with line 4, or like 2 with line 4? Good luck.
| Posted on 2004-09-12 00:00:00 | by Jonathan Lennox | [ Reply to This ]
  I think this can be really good with just a little bit more work...I like the second stanza, I think that one and the last one are my favorite parts of this. However, I think the last two lines of the third stanza should be looked over...I didn't like how you used 'ever' twice...I really think you could do without the first one..."How can I ever be sure?" But hey, thats' just my opnnion. Anyway...keep working on it and it will all come together.
| Posted on 2004-09-13 00:00:00 | by Amberdy | [ Reply to This ]


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