Description: It started out as wordplay, but ended up art for art's sake.
Music Decomposes -------------------------------------------
Music decomposes itself
notes independent from song
dismember the silence
and are sewn back together
like old patches
made into a new quilt,
and the sound
is like that of God's tears
joyfully hitting his crystal floor.
i absolute love this! i could see these notes falling through space, out of the composition, drifting down down... and then reassembling again before they hit the floor. it is very visual for me. "And the sound/Is like that of God's tears/Joyfully hitting his crystal floor." i love that! my only suggestion is to capitalize His... this is really beautiful, Amy, despite what anyone else said, at least to me. i've been dreaming a lot lately about music, playing it, writing it and singing it. i miss doing that. this poem makes me want to make music again.
Being a music lover, and art lover, this was excellent. I love the last two lines. Very original. I really like the comparisons you make. You pick things that are obvious but no one else would think to use them together. Great job. :) -blt
This is my favorite of your poems in quite some time. But I still do not like it as much as some a lot of your things from earlier in the year. You seem like a different writer after your trip to the Old Land. What happened there? An epiphany? Did find or lose yourself? Perhaps the morning mist and old buildings tinted with verbal accents harkened your heart back to another era and influenced your outlook irrevocably (sp). The first three lines of this sounded intensely original and poetic, the former of which you seem not to deliver in the same quantity as you once did. The fourth line is clichéd. Too often, things in poetry are sewn. You could find a more original and thought provoking way to say the same thing. "And the sound" sounds better to me without "and". "Crystal floor" doesn't do much. The ideas in that last line could be expanded into two lines to give it a little more color. The title is very clever with the double meaning of decomposes. It also has a nice feel to it. That does it for my analysis/critique of this piece.
Just a note on your writing in general, I would like to see you write a few more poems without using "like" or "as". You use these words a LOT. They aren't bad words, but I think it would be a good change for you. Your poems seem to be in a bit of a rut, using the same devices again and again with little imaginative twist.
Now you probably think that I don't like your writing or that I don't like this poem or that I think I am somehow better. None of those are true. It's because I like your writing that I'd like to see it change a little, it's because I like this poem that I cared to critique it, and it's because I value your ability that I am trying to challenge you to rise above your current output. I am not a very emotive person, I have a poor vocabulary, and I am completely sporadic and fairly unversed.
I like it... but it seems kind of short, like you forgot something. But that is solely my opinion, not a valid fact. I like the flow, and the imagery that you used. It came out very well and even left some room (I think) for individual interpretation. Overall, awesome, and definitely unique... however, not what I am used to.
This is different from your usual offerings, and I really like it. I would still entreat you to use a few commas, full stops, etc. and get rid of some UPPERCASE, but what's new? Everyone knows about my pet peeves by now. IS SOMEONE LISTENINIG THOUGH? I think not. Really good.
well, I see what the others mean. this 'here' you mentioned in the first line isn't explained at all. where is here?? I like this piece very much. it's interseting and original. my favourtie part were the lines 'And are sewn back together Like old patches Made into a new quilt' a great comparison. but maybe you could explain the 'here' a bit. cause at the moment it's a bit hanging in the air. but it's up to you. it's a good piece as it is.
So you think music is decomsing in a sense of it's primary purpose? Or that an artist isn't who he is because of his music, but of something else? It's a little confusing, and may need a little nit more detail to fully grasp what you are trying to convey.
it's an interesting piece, i'm just not sure about it. i think you've left something on the table. the images are good and i like them, just think this might be something you want to expand on. it's up to you-it's your work. :-)