Darkness comes, alone again
Tears begin to fall.
Her mind drifts off, gripped with thoughts
Of ways to end it all.
Despair gains strength, and day by day
Her plans become more clear.
No longer willing, she feels she can't
Survive another year.
But something's there that drives her from
What she feels she's forced to do.
A tiny touch, a smiling face
Her strength he will renew.
| Darkness brings the loneliness as tears begin to fall,- Well thats how I might phrase the first line. |
Line structure is most important to grab a readers attention, then they must read on.
A real touching write as far as the contents of ideas. I think if you tried to re-phrase a few stanzas it might read even better. But thats my opinion, follow your heart.
|| Posted on 2004-11-03 00:00:00 | by Clayton | [ Reply to This ] || I liked the little bits of rhyming, which I admit is something I find rather hard to do. However I preferred the first verse to the rest, the language used suits it but perhaps it could be a little longer.||| Posted on 2004-09-16 00:00:00 | by Minion | [ Reply to This ] || As a mother I have to say that I related rather strongly to this piece. Its hard to face each day when the job is so tough. But for just one more smile and one more time it makes it that much easier to go on.||| Posted on 2004-09-15 00:00:00 | by littledifferent | [ Reply to This ] || AWWWW, how sweet. I liked this one... It kind of reminds me of someone I know who wanted to do the same thing, but the only thing that kept her from it was her children. I think the ending does need a little work, but I'm not sure what could be done. It just seems a little off to me. Maybe I'm just not reading it right, who knows? Well, anyway, I am adding this one to my favorites, because it's just so touching. Keep it up. Thanks for the great work. ||| Posted on 2004-09-15 00:00:00 | by Unicorn Poet | [ Reply to This ] || your very good at writing. i like your work and you seem to know your subject well. i hope this isnt your life and if it was the best of luck in the future .i feel close to you in some ways like i said abuse sucks||| Posted on 2004-11-08 00:00:00 | by wildheart | [ Reply to This ] |