Description: Yeah I know this is corny and probably really cliché but its just another thing I needed to get out of the system because its helping me clear my head so I can do what I gotta do.I know its kinda disjuncted but this is rough and It poured out of me in like 2 minutes probably not even that long. so whatever.
Then I go in peace -------------------------------------------
I want to drown
In every syllable you breathe
If your voice be the last thing I…
Then I go in peace
I want to drown in……
I want to inhale
The fragrance of your hair
If your hair be the last thing I….
Then I go in peace
I want to inhale….
I want to fall asleep with you
In peace through the night
If you be the last person I….
Then I go in peace
I want to fall asleep with you…
I’ve always known what I’ve wanted
Now its time to fight for…
That is all what love and lovers are about :) well written, sir ! It was simple and innovative I like the way u prompt the reader to conjure and I like the ending too ! It isnt too subtle but it suits the situation right.
i love how you trail off the ends of the sentences here.. and how we can complete them in our minds if we want to because we know what you were going to say. and yet it isnt necessary.
the concept of drowning in syllables is great.. and is a perfect example of how this poem is not cliché. the topic might be one that has been written about over and over.. but how could we not write about it?
i think you sell yourself short with your description. give yourself the credit you deserve John.. this is a good poem.
Nice. I really liked the way you repeated the first line of each part, kind of closing each in itself. I also loved the ending, when you realized that you're going to have to fight for what you want. A testament of power in that line. HWKI
Wow. This is actually one of those few and far between pieces you write that actually thoroughly impress me. The format is original and powerful. The trailing off is a beautifully employed device. And to top it off, it was consistent. Dag.
dude this is an awesome format...i liked what you were saying as well but the format was what really made me read it...i love people that arent afraid to try something diffrent...this is great and the words are really sweet...smiles ange
I do like this piece, and think alot of people can relate but for one thing I think you can take of the I's at the end, I know your trying to make it rhyme, but it'd still sound good.. better.. if you took them off, cause they just dont really fit. But that's all I can think of.. I like it!
well the topic is a bit cliché but the format makes it totaly original. i really like the way you dont finnish the lines. makes it fun to read. i do have one little sugestion though. replace the sleep with you bit with something more romantic. this sounds full of love and romance then the 'i want to sleep with you' bit just makes it sound like just another unimportant relationship. maybe its just me but sleeping with someone is what you do with a one night [censored] after going out clubbing. makeing love sounds far more romantic to me.
Well you have something to say here, so spit it out, or rather, type it out. Some of the elipses work, when you trail off at the end, I want to fight for...you. Then it's just a pause. But I think you should fill in the obvious blanks. Just my idea, every new poetic tool had a start somewhere I guess, maybe you'll be the next ee cummings. I liked your poem, other than the format or lack of format. Dave
Well, I must not be too good at crosswords...(actually that's not in dispute) I liked it but found it odd that you said..."If your ___ be" that sounds quite archaic and the poem doesn't appear to be in that style...so maybe a 'was' would be better...in my muddled mind that would make the sentences easier to fill in, cos you had me trying to get all Shakespearean...lol...
I think the content and idea is sweet as! People write about everything...just distinguish yourself by doing it better than the herd. The ... didn't work on me.....but it worked for.....so that's cool.