Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Orcharddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: redthewitch
    ASL Info:    36/f/tiny rural village
    Elite Ratio:    4.02 - 267/175/26
    Words: 51
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1079
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 388



    Description:
       I need some pretty good feedback and suggestions here. I am really struggling with this piece.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOrcharddots
    -------------------------------------------


    Bees buzzing
    amidst trees grown
    in tidy rows
    boughs bent heavy
    with forbidden fruit
    sweet cider scent
    clinging to the breeze
    Proud pumpkins
    stacked on bales of
    golden hay
    lazily bathing
    in the September sun
    A weathered wagon filled with
    colourful bushels-
    Corn, tomatoes, green peppers




    Submitted on 2004-09-16 09:28:05     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      "Dear SS--like your little poem as it invoked a sense of season within me. You could fluff it up a bit more with the addition of some extra adjectives. You might also want to ask yourself if pumpkins are actualy capable of pride and is hay lazy?---You have a unique style remenescent of Haiku writing. Keep it up and I will look foreward to reading more of your material.------Mugsy-----
    | Posted on 2007-03-03 00:00:00 | by mugsy | [ Reply to This ]
      I loved this poem. It was short and simple but I can't really say it was sweet for you didn't do a great job of incorporating te sense of taste an aspect that I think wil help this peom very much.
    By adding taste you can make another feature of the poem other than just "sweet". Add on to this part and you will have a wonderfull peice.
    I lkie the lines "Proud pumpkins
    stacked on bales of
    golden hay"
    I thought this was well written. Simple yet so perfect for the peice.
    Thanks for the read.
    | Posted on 2005-04-15 00:00:00 | by ConScribe | [ Reply to This ]
      Okay, well I think you have a good basis... I don't like the one word lines, they can't stand by themselves, to do that you have to have a ood STRONG word... if it were me (and this is just what I think...) I would do something like this:

    Bees buzzing
    amidst trees grown
    in tidy rows
    boughs bent heavy
    with forbidden fruit
    sweet cider scent
    clinging to the breeze
    Proud pumpkins
    stacked on bales of
    golden hay
    lazily bathing
    in the September sun
    The old wagon filled with
    colourful bushels-
    Corn, tomatoes, green peppers

    I would also think about adding a bit more image to the last line... and you could even think about breaking that up into three lines... maybe something like (and this is a very limited image example)
    Yellow corn
    red tomatoes
    green peppers...

    I think a noun can stand strong on it's own in a line of poetry. -Eah
    | Posted on 2004-09-16 00:00:00 | by Eah | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    24523

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Giving written by jjd
    Transparent written by Daniel Barlow
    Pressure written by hybridsongwrite
    Bee Keeper written by endlessgame23
    Our Cinder Crisis written by SavedDragon
    Push written by JanePlane
    102.3 written by rev.jpfadeproof
    It's been a while written by Sharati_hottie
    new moon written by CrypticBard
    Ten Poems written by Wolfwatching
    Cage written by distortedcloud
    Wavelength written by saartha
    Fathoms of the Lullaby Sea written by HisNameIsNoMore
    In the end written by Janesaddiction
    Pain, an elixir. written by Ramneet
    May 31 2018 written by Chelebel
    Wish written by Daniel Barlow
    Deaf Dumb and Blind is no excuse written by poetotoe
    In My Head written by faideddarkness
    A Sonnet for Nina written by SavedDragon
    To Glow written by krs3332003
    Linger written by saartha
    Be Free written by hybridsongwrite
    In the Mouth of Elysium written by HisNameIsNoMore
    untitled written by Chelebel
    To the King written by HisNameIsNoMore
    The Promise written by annie0888
    Hollow Points written by RequiemOfDreams
    To written by SavedDragon
    Summer Nights written by ollie_wicked

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry