Orchard by redthewitch

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Submission Name: Orchard dots

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Author:	redthewitch
ASL Info:	28/f/us
Elite Ratio:	4.06 - 260/165/25
Words:	50

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	418
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	387

Description:
I need some pretty good feedback and suggestions here. I am really struggling with this piece.

Orchard

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Bees buzzing
amidst
trees grown in tidy rows
boughs bent heavy
with
forbidden fruit
sweet cider scent
clinging to the breeze
Proud pumpkins
stacked
on bales of golden hay
lazily bathing in September sun
The old wagon filled with
colourful bushels-
Corn, tomatoes, green peppers

Submitted on 2004-09-16 09:28:05 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  "Dear SS--like your little poem as it invoked a sense of season within me. You could fluff it up a bit more with the addition of some extra adjectives. You might also want to ask yourself if pumpkins are actualy capable of pride and is hay lazy?---You have a unique style remenescent of Haiku writing. Keep it up and I will look foreward to reading more of your material.------Mugsy-----
| Posted on 2007-03-03 00:00:00 | by mugsy | [ Reply to This ]
  I loved this poem. It was short and simple but I can't really say it was sweet for you didn't do a great job of incorporating te sense of taste an aspect that I think wil help this peom very much.
By adding taste you can make another feature of the poem other than just "sweet". Add on to this part and you will have a wonderfull peice.
I lkie the lines "Proud pumpkins
stacked on bales of
golden hay"
I thought this was well written. Simple yet so perfect for the peice.
Thanks for the read.
| Posted on 2005-04-15 00:00:00 | by ConScribe | [ Reply to This ]
  Okay, well I think you have a good basis... I don't like the one word lines, they can't stand by themselves, to do that you have to have a ood STRONG word... if it were me (and this is just what I think...) I would do something like this:

Bees buzzing
amidst trees grown
in tidy rows
boughs bent heavy
with forbidden fruit
sweet cider scent
clinging to the breeze
Proud pumpkins
stacked on bales of
golden hay
lazily bathing
in the September sun
The old wagon filled with
colourful bushels-
Corn, tomatoes, green peppers

I would also think about adding a bit more image to the last line... and you could even think about breaking that up into three lines... maybe something like (and this is a very limited image example)
Yellow corn
red tomatoes
green peppers...

I think a noun can stand strong on it's own in a line of poetry. -Eah
| Posted on 2004-09-16 00:00:00 | by Eah | [ Reply to This ]

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