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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Orcharddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: redthewitch
    ASL Info:    36/f/tiny rural village
    Elite Ratio:    4.02 - 267/175/26
    Words: 51
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1028
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 388



    Description:
       I need some pretty good feedback and suggestions here. I am really struggling with this piece.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOrcharddots
    -------------------------------------------


    Bees buzzing
    amidst trees grown
    in tidy rows
    boughs bent heavy
    with forbidden fruit
    sweet cider scent
    clinging to the breeze
    Proud pumpkins
    stacked on bales of
    golden hay
    lazily bathing
    in the September sun
    A weathered wagon filled with
    colourful bushels-
    Corn, tomatoes, green peppers




    Submitted on 2004-09-16 09:28:05     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      "Dear SS--like your little poem as it invoked a sense of season within me. You could fluff it up a bit more with the addition of some extra adjectives. You might also want to ask yourself if pumpkins are actualy capable of pride and is hay lazy?---You have a unique style remenescent of Haiku writing. Keep it up and I will look foreward to reading more of your material.------Mugsy-----
    | Posted on 2007-03-03 00:00:00 | by mugsy | [ Reply to This ]
      I loved this poem. It was short and simple but I can't really say it was sweet for you didn't do a great job of incorporating te sense of taste an aspect that I think wil help this peom very much.
    By adding taste you can make another feature of the poem other than just "sweet". Add on to this part and you will have a wonderfull peice.
    I lkie the lines "Proud pumpkins
    stacked on bales of
    golden hay"
    I thought this was well written. Simple yet so perfect for the peice.
    Thanks for the read.
    | Posted on 2005-04-15 00:00:00 | by ConScribe | [ Reply to This ]
      Okay, well I think you have a good basis... I don't like the one word lines, they can't stand by themselves, to do that you have to have a ood STRONG word... if it were me (and this is just what I think...) I would do something like this:

    Bees buzzing
    amidst trees grown
    in tidy rows
    boughs bent heavy
    with forbidden fruit
    sweet cider scent
    clinging to the breeze
    Proud pumpkins
    stacked on bales of
    golden hay
    lazily bathing
    in the September sun
    The old wagon filled with
    colourful bushels-
    Corn, tomatoes, green peppers

    I would also think about adding a bit more image to the last line... and you could even think about breaking that up into three lines... maybe something like (and this is a very limited image example)
    Yellow corn
    red tomatoes
    green peppers...

    I think a noun can stand strong on it's own in a line of poetry. -Eah
    | Posted on 2004-09-16 00:00:00 | by Eah | [ Reply to This ]


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