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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: In Sorrow I'm Alonedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Latin King
    ASL Info:    31/M/Los Angeles
    Elite Ratio:    2.39 - 104/232/145
    Words: 143
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 619
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 943



    Description:
       Just thoughts that make me meditate and analyze my life, in a whole different level. Helps me get through the day, even though a new tomorrow is around the corner.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsIn Sorrow I'm Alonedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Sharp claws that slash my memories,
    Leave trails of despair,
    And as the air,
    No longer is inhaled by me,
    I'm left unconscious and unaware.

    Left astray by all of my friends,
    My past eats me internally,
    With fate being devoured in a sequence,
    I know my tears vanish my destiny.

    Resignated to put up with life,
    I'm negotiating with an old foe,
    They say I'm bound to die,
    But only God should really know.

    Felt empty most of my life,
    I can't bare to see pain inscribed,
    In a young face,
    This is the sign that thrives,
    When we've slowed down,
    And have no will,
    To win the race.

    My life stretches with new length,
    So I'm well prepared to see tomorrow,
    Holding will to manage strength,
    I know I'm alone in my own sorrow.




    Submitted on 2004-09-16 21:42:48     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Sharp claws that slash my memories, (This isn't too cliché, so it's fine)
    Leave trails of despair, (too cliché, use a different word rather than despair)
    And as the air,
    No longer is inhanled by me,
    I'm left unconscious and unaware. (You could expand your vocabulary a bit here. Instead of using smaller words, awe us by bigger words that have deeper meanings. Though this did flow well, lets stay away from beginner rhymes.)

    Left astray by all my friends, (all my friends, should be all of* but still I hated this. It sounded too whiney and me me me I I I MY MY MY)
    My past eats me internally, (this is ok)
    With fate being devoured in a sequence,
    I know my tears vanish my destiny. (This almost sounds like the fact that you have no faith that your life will come to something good, it will never because of your attitude. Nice.)

    Nowhere to run and hide, (Please change.)
    I'm negotiating with an old foe, (Rock on here yes.)
    They say I'm bound to die,
    But only God should really know. (That's the spirit)

    Felt empty most of my life,
    I can't bare to see pain inscribed, (meh no)
    In a young face, (ok)
    This is the sign that thrives,
    When we've come about,
    An old pace. (huh?)

    My life stretches with new length,
    So I'm well prepared to see tomorrow,
    Holding will to manage strength,
    I know I'm alone in my own sorrow. (ok you could have said "I know I'm NOT alone in my sorrow"...)

    All in all, nice form, could use more punctuation other than commas all the time, I love the capitilization, makes me take you more serious. Rock on..
    ~Indi
    | Posted on 2004-09-16 00:00:00 | by Indi Elf | [ Reply to This ]
      This poem has a nice musical quality to it. I am a musician/Computer Programmer/Writer and like works of art that are intelligent. Works that make you think about what is being said. To have to slow down and read every word carefully to get the meaning, or develope a meaning of your own.

    This is a very complex poem that can take each person into their own direction.

    Nicely done...Chris
    | Posted on 2004-09-16 00:00:00 | by colopoao | [ Reply to This ]
      I GOT LOST. TOO MANY BIG WORDS...BUT I STILL LIKE IT. I'M JUST TO STUPID TO UNDERSTAND I GUESS. HOW SAD...BUT YOU HAVE VERY GOOD USE OF IMAGERY!
    | Posted on 2004-09-16 00:00:00 | by darkness child | [ Reply to This ]
      this was a little hard for me to read, I got a little lost but I surely felt your pain. Perhaps you were just emotional in the writting and not concerned so much with construction.
    | Posted on 2004-09-16 00:00:00 | by dmm | [ Reply to This ]


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