wow
this one is just fantastic
normally i will read poems be like okay that was god or bad or whatever but this one made me sad :( lol but in a good way i felt so bad for her
the flow in this one is amazing and rhyming really adds to it
i like this one a lot
i know im going to find a new favourite if i keep reading more of your poetry lol
It's a sad but beautiful picture. Though I never ever connected sea with emptiness (...)... but I I think I know how she feels... Thanks to short, melodic stanzas you made a nice tale, which can be even a song. It gives it all such a mysterious, legendary scent, so it's not just a sad/romantic/bla bla bla story, but sth more, a kind of moving picture too. Two thumbs up!
oi vey, sorry for the crappy mistakes in my comment! Apparently I can't spell, or proofread for that matter... sense and rhythm= sense OF rhythm as=has like=liked etc.
wooow, very nice. I've read a couple of your pieces tonight, but this is the first I've commented on... I really like your rhyming style and sense and rhythm. Pretty much everything as a constant lilting cadence, which makes for easy reading AND keeps the audience's attention.
Mechanically- I would've like some punctuation in each of the stanzas. You've done reeeally well compared to alot of people on this site as far as grammer, spelling, and punctuation go. One suggestion: in the 2nd stanza, I would consider putting "with ocean" on the last line. That way the 1st and 3rd lines are parallel as far as syllables go, and I think it'd make for a bit easier reading.
But content- terrific. Absolutely no suggestions. This has definitely got to be a self-reflection piece, and I love it, because everyone could at times use this to fit themselves. My favorite lines were:
"bare with the sea and the emptiness it brings."
Terrific job, I'm excited to read and comment on more of your writing!
this one of the most lovely poems i have read,i really enjoyed the way u portrayed her loneliness. great work plz keep on writing, u r going on my fav. thanx
what a lonely creature she must be! you gave me a good picture of the mermaid alone on this dark rock, in a dark sea, longing for what she wants the most. good stuff! bullocks to you
wow!... love this one!...couldnt express longing better than this !.The plight and desperation of this lonely creature really comes across beautifully.This mermaid could be any one of us .I can relate ...Its beautiful! This one gets a 5 ! from me ...:)
Beautiful. Esp "intoxicate him with ocean" & "folding like years" I dislike that last line starting with and though. Also I would change pass to passing in the first stanza. I love your reviews. I am just not to terribly passion filled right now. My longing has gone on so long it feels like nothing will ever come of it. Still it's there. Thanks. peace
wow, this is beautifull, I like the imagery, but that's never been a problem with you, so...It's so pretty, with all the images to go along with the scheme.I loved the way you sahowed he lonliness and longing.It's so sad, that it's inspiring.Poor mermaid...I liked the lines: she knew of her fate full of salty tears holding like the waves folding like years... sailors were bound living on land concrete dreams instead of on land. Well you heard from me so, later. Camoflage
Submission Name: Salty Sea
