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    dots Submission Name: drippingdots

    Author: all the english boys
    ASL Info:    15
    Elite Ratio:    2.76 - 173/239/46
    Words: 79
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 1062
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 524


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    left her dripping along some indented cliff
    that subsides along some melancholy sky simulation
    the birds fly sideways the air breathes you in
    her dripping her recollections below to the waves
    that swirl and color her mind with simple puppets
    that dance and pull her closer to the edge
    wind rushing her face.
    slipping into last december
    it was unseasonably warm
    he still loved her
    and the cliff climbed higher than any fucking mountain she had ever seen.

    Submitted on 2004-09-17 23:00:35     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      This dips and dives and almost succumbs to its own worse instincts (yea I know that's not the idiom but that's how I mean it) but the poem manages to pull itself out through sheer force of will. I admire that, but it means there is also a lot wrong with it that could be better.

    personally I'm not a fan of the repetition of "dripping" and I think you could find a better title. Having the title and then the word in the same sentence is almost like those poets who have the first line as the title. Call it what you want, I call it lazy poetry.

    It's a little better/worse than that, depending on how you look at it, but it's the repetition on line four that says "I'm not really sure how to convey this idea so I'm going to repeat it."

    Like I said, you manage to pull it off, which speaks to the strength of the piece and your own skill, but c'mon. You can do better.

    awkward parts: "melancholy sky simulation"
    "dripping her recollections below the waves"

    good parts:

    "slipping into last december
    it was unseasonably warm
    he still loved her
    and the cliff climbed higher than any fucking mountain he had ever seen"

    it's honestly the use of swearing that gets me. usually I'm all about making words stand on their own and about the power of not swearing when communicating - most people use f-bombs like defensive shields. but you use it here to show raw emotion and it works. it pulls the poem out of some awkward phrasings and finishes strong.

    so yeah take it or leave it. I just realized this was posted in 2004 and that joe quinn commented on it. blast from the past that one.

    | Posted on 2015-04-02 00:00:00 | by lukewarm | [ Reply to This ]
      this has a cool feel, reliving a memory. I know a lot of people might say "why use [censored] in the last line?" but i think it fits, sometimes curse words just put an honesty and an anger that "polite" words just can't convey. nobody's commented saying so yet but if they do...[censored] it, leave it in, it makes the ending that much more powerful.
    | Posted on 2004-09-19 00:00:00 | by joe quinn | [ Reply to This ]

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