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    dots Submission Name: One of Those Facesdots

    Author: cuddledumplin
    ASL Info:    36/ f/UK
    Elite Ratio:    4.08 - 6269/5927/526
    Words: 41
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 676
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 240


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOne of Those Facesdots

    You have one of those faces
    that pops into my brain
    whenever my mind gets quiet
    like a song on the radio
    that plays in your head
    and makes you start to sing,
    seeing you makes my body flood with joy.

    Submitted on 2004-09-18 06:50:59     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      This one is very simple and authentic. It's true that sometimes some faces/things/situations/songs just can't get out of our heads. But I like this feeling, like you wrote:

    "Seeing you makes my body flood with joy"

    it's still a pleasure. And I think this is one of the things that let you still believe, that you're alive. And it's beautiful.
    | Posted on 2004-09-21 00:00:00 | by Nightraven | [ Reply to This ]
      The last line seems a little off. You start to rhyme in it, which makes the rhythm a little more interesting, but I don't know how, but you seem to lose it on the last line. The rest of it is pretty good though.

    | Posted on 2004-09-19 00:00:00 | by emo-tastic | [ Reply to This ]
      i like the way you paint this picture of their face, but it feels like you're changing pov, even though i know you aren't. some suggestions-feel free to use 'em or lose 'em

    You have one of those faces - DELETE 'YOU HAVE'
    That pops into my head
    Whenever my mind gets quiet
    Like a song on the radio
    That plays in your head - CHANGE TO 'PLAYS OVER AND OVER'
    And makes you start to sing - DELETE 'MAKES YOU'
    Them my body floods with joy - THINK YOU MEANT 'THEN' NOT 'THEM'

    anyway just a thought...this is a good piece and you do an effective job with it. :-)
    | Posted on 2004-09-19 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]
      okay, I have no clue about which nightmare line the others are talking about but it seems like you've changed something. anyway this is a nice little love poem. you said a lot with a few words, only the repetition of 'pops' bothers me a bit. maybe 'like a song on the radio/ that your head suddenly plays'. but it's up to you. it isn't very distracting and really good as it is.
    | Posted on 2004-09-18 00:00:00 | by eve1684 | [ Reply to This ]
      What I nice thought and stated so simply. I really enjoy to the point poetry(I tend to be minimalistic) Thanks for the read
    | Posted on 2004-09-18 00:00:00 | by dmm | [ Reply to This ]

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