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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: One of Those Facesdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: cuddledumplin
    ASL Info:    36/ f/UK
    Elite Ratio:    4.08 - 6269/5927/526
    Words: 41
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 661
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 240



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOne of Those Facesdots
    -------------------------------------------


    You have one of those faces
    that pops into my brain
    whenever my mind gets quiet
    like a song on the radio
    that plays in your head
    and makes you start to sing,
    seeing you makes my body flood with joy.




    Submitted on 2004-09-18 06:50:59     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This one is very simple and authentic. It's true that sometimes some faces/things/situations/songs just can't get out of our heads. But I like this feeling, like you wrote:

    "Seeing you makes my body flood with joy"

    it's still a pleasure. And I think this is one of the things that let you still believe, that you're alive. And it's beautiful.
    | Posted on 2004-09-21 00:00:00 | by Nightraven | [ Reply to This ]
      The last line seems a little off. You start to rhyme in it, which makes the rhythm a little more interesting, but I don't know how, but you seem to lose it on the last line. The rest of it is pretty good though.

    -emo.
    | Posted on 2004-09-19 00:00:00 | by emo-tastic | [ Reply to This ]
      i like the way you paint this picture of their face, but it feels like you're changing pov, even though i know you aren't. some suggestions-feel free to use 'em or lose 'em

    You have one of those faces - DELETE 'YOU HAVE'
    That pops into my head
    Whenever my mind gets quiet
    Like a song on the radio
    That plays in your head - CHANGE TO 'PLAYS OVER AND OVER'
    And makes you start to sing - DELETE 'MAKES YOU'
    Them my body floods with joy - THINK YOU MEANT 'THEN' NOT 'THEM'

    anyway just a thought...this is a good piece and you do an effective job with it. :-)
    | Posted on 2004-09-19 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]
      okay, I have no clue about which nightmare line the others are talking about but it seems like you've changed something. anyway this is a nice little love poem. you said a lot with a few words, only the repetition of 'pops' bothers me a bit. maybe 'like a song on the radio/ that your head suddenly plays'. but it's up to you. it isn't very distracting and really good as it is.
    | Posted on 2004-09-18 00:00:00 | by eve1684 | [ Reply to This ]
      What I nice thought and stated so simply. I really enjoy to the point poetry(I tend to be minimalistic) Thanks for the read
    | Posted on 2004-09-18 00:00:00 | by dmm | [ Reply to This ]


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