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    dots Submission Name: Within Shadowsdots

    Author: Belle De Jour
    ASL Info:    24/Female/Inside
    Elite Ratio:    3.79 - 335/367/53
    Words: 52
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 847
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 313

       Just put this together right now. C&C if you please.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWithin Shadowsdots

    She sits and watches the gray clouds
    As they move across the night sky
    In the distance you can hear rats
    Scurry away

    Behind her cigarette there is a tear
    Awaiting to fall, as she shivers
    From the cold chill, which blankets
    There is a storm at bay

    Submitted on 2004-09-19 03:58:41     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This was a great read. Short and simple yet so powerful. I totally felt a great deal of emotion behind this piece. I see how the others are trying to correct you choice of vocabulary but I feel it adds to the piece. Ones voice should be theres alone not corrected. I hope you dont change a thing here. I really liked this piece. I hope you get a chance to check out some of my work as well. Have a great weekend and keep up the great work. I look forward to reading more from you.
    | Posted on 2004-09-19 00:00:00 | by Thornful Rose | [ Reply to This ]
      Well for a piece that was made up on the spot, I can't critise this much. The one thing I didn't get was the 'which blankets' in the last stanza, I didn'think that it really fit in with the surrounding words. But that's the only thing I can think of, otherwise, the imagery was good and I saw the picture very clearly.
    | Posted on 2004-09-19 00:00:00 | by JimweiZERO | [ Reply to This ]
      i suck at criticism so all I can do in that department is say that maybe "waiting" would work better than "awaiting". I like the piece, it's really atmospheric and sets a tone, maybe you could expand it or use it as a lead-in to another piece.
    | Posted on 2004-09-19 00:00:00 | by joe quinn | [ Reply to This ]
      hey belle,

    nice descriptive writing here. You did a good job capturing the feel of a woman standing on a balcony or front porch watching an aproaching storm. I felt like I was there. Kind of a since of resolved dread at something bad about to happen.

    On another note,
    this line:

    Awaiting to fall, as she shivers

    awaiting sounds weird to me, would this sound better if you used a word like "primed" or something else. It's almost a grammar thing, i'm not sure if "awaiting" is used right grammatically there. Not to sound to anal or anything.

    the only other problem I had was the line:

    From the cold chill, which blankets

    This is a personal problem really and not one that probably warrants any fixing but... I personally got a feeling of dread for this storm that was coming. the line "which blankets" kind of contradicts that feeling, shattering the illusion a little bit. I dunno that could just be a misinterpretated view of your poem to begin with. But that was my take.

    Anyway, deceptively short again. The real length here is in the picture that it creates in ones mind. clever writing.

    | Posted on 2004-09-19 00:00:00 | by Mister Fizzle | [ Reply to This ]

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