Description: Thanx to the help from dandan, I revised my poem, may she rest.It's about a girl desprate to be free, and resorts to a horrible way of doing so.Commts are welcome.
May She Rest(revised) -------------------------------------------
There once was a girl who wished she could dissapear
and mingle with the trees
where she could sit and hear them in the breeze.
She wanted to lie under the scorching sun,
realizing the pain and punishment had just begun.
She warned her friends, but they neither listened nor heard,
she dreamed of feeling free as a bird.
She did not want to be a puppet attached to the strings;
she wanted to fly using an eagle's wings.
Her parents woke up late one autumn morning to realize she was gone.
Later that day the police found a girl on the beach;
her parents mentioned something about her being"just out of reach".
There was crimson blood on the ground;
a blade in her heart:
her parents silently let their souls bleed as the sight tore them apart.
By her lifeless body lay letter:
"I go now to ease everyone's mind,
realizing to do this I must leave the world behind."
At her funeral they were all depressed;
As everyone walked away a silent voice said
"In peace may she rest."
Your story is so sad. I have a problem with romantizing suicide because it is such a selfish act. It can scar people who a person might not even think of at the time. And if one understands karma they realize that the person will continue that same life in another body at a future time. O well thanks for the read
yay, you're working on revisions! much better, and a very vivid story this is. So sad... "A silent voice said." That's a good line! As though everyone's thinking it but no one's saying it... Or like God's saying it...
hey, thanks for letting me know to come back and see your revision.... i think that it improves the read SOOOOO much! i'm so proud!!! : ) But, anywho, just wanted to point out that about the 5th line up from the bottom, you need to write "a memorandum". Other than that, I can find no mistakes to fix. I think that you revised this very well.... thanks for taking the advice into consideration and fixing it so quickly. It is an honor to help a fellow writer to better their pieces! Perhaps as I have more time I will be able to comment on another piece of yours.... XOXO dandan