gave up on you.
there's still hope,
i'll grow up,
i work harder,
give up on me.
want me to be.
but i swear,
i just want to be,
the guy you,
deseve to be with.
so please dont,
gave up on you.
| I like this alot. Sounds like it would have a good rhythem. About that is this lyrics? Cause it says it is.. I didn't see the chorus or where anything breaks. Maybe its a part of the song? I don't know, but what ever it is, it is so good. |
I loved this piece.
|| Posted on 2005-02-11 00:00:00 | by XxStephyxX04 | [ Reply to This ] || This is cool. i like it alot. could use a little work but not any where near the recycle bin. Made me think of the guy im with right now. crazy. any way |
want me to be.
i like those lines alot
|| Posted on 2004-09-20 00:00:00 | by PryncessVynom | [ Reply to This ] || Minimalism is an interesting thing; in extreme, it provides provocative blanks where other forms flow free. In realistic practice, it tends to devolve into some sort of drawl. |
Had I been biased for or against this poem, my wording would be different. If for, I'd tell you the repettition was like a steady hammer driving the nail of truth, never missing, never failing. If against, I'd point out the lackluster breviloquence that stains the same style I mentioned, as it sounds more like a broken record than a poetic resonance.
Unbiased, I say your nail is crude. Very often a poem will glow with the unique taste that comes from the heart, which no other author can mimic, and in your case your words are, at best, above a good many, and at worst, too vague to possess true power.
As a song, I'll applaud the repettition; modern day music is much the same. As lyrics alone, the work seems missing something. To write more precisely, search out and grasp what you truly feel, not what other say it's like.
|| Posted on 2004-09-20 00:00:00 | by EternitysLyre | [ Reply to This ] || even for a blink182 style song...a little short unless your going to do one of those songs where they just keep repeating the same lines over and over...wait...i guess blink182 does that...though i had trouble imaging this as a song...maybe because i was thinking blink182 and i haven't listend to them in a long time...pretty much after their first cd...though as a punk type song...i think it work...though i think more could be added to it...hmmm...i don't see alot of spelling errors i see one..deserve that's it...besides that unless i'm missing something everything looks good...yeah i'd tweek it here and there but i wouldn't get ridod it...ange||| Posted on 2004-09-20 00:00:00 | by purplesun24 | [ Reply to This ] || this really does sound like a blink 182 song that i would have downloaded into my music file... i could hear the music in it in my head already.. nice job will|
|| Posted on 2004-09-20 00:00:00 | by nameless child | [ Reply to This ] || Yeah this could probably rock if you put the right beat to it...I was able to make it flow in my head so i'm sure that the one who wrote it has some good ideas for it... Just make sure you put a lot of instrumental body with it being that it is a short piece and there's no corus to fill space... Good job my friend, i think you could go pretty far with such songs like this in your arsenal... Dude i'm hopin you haven't thrown anything like this away before, that would be a pretty big loss... Though the style you chose isn't my favorite type o' rock it's a perfect song for the genre... Rock on bro! and take care... Adios! Travis ||| Posted on 2004-09-20 00:00:00 | by Mwa Ha Ha Ha Ha | [ Reply to This ] || I kinda liked this.|
Weird that I did. Maybe it's cause I feel it. Don't give up on me.
You've got a lot of spelling & grammar errors. All those commas really got to me. But I can understand why you used them.
This poem has a bouncy rhythm. I liked that.
It can be better. But it is definately not one for the recycle bin.
|| Posted on 2004-09-20 00:00:00 | by K | [ Reply to This ] |