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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: In a Drawn Worlddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: cuddledumplin
    ASL Info:    36/ f/UK
    Elite Ratio:    4.08 - 6269/5927/526
    Words: 94
    Class/Type: Poetry/Satire
    Total Views: 688
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 652



    Description:
       Social commentary


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsIn a Drawn Worlddots
    -------------------------------------------


    If this world were drawn,
    I could make myself like everyone else.
    I'd just doodle on a new face and body
    when the fashions changed,
    and I'd rub out my mind,
    For logic only paralyzes,
    And who needs a heart?
    Who needs a soul?
    We'd be stick people anyway.
    drones devoid of uniqueness.
    I could erase every annoyance,
    every bothersome boy,
    every annoying girl,
    but the result would be the same
    as this colorful life
    that's beyond my control:
    I'd end up empty and alone
    but without fate to fault.





    Submitted on 2004-09-20 12:00:10     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Oh, first, I get the gist of it, and no, you aren't saying you would want to change anything, you are saying things would come out the same in the wash, or worse, like George Baily found out in A Wonderful Life, you don't want to change anything, because as we saw in Butterfly Effect, well, strange [censored] happens. But mostly what we call fate, the natural chain of events almost always turns out better than when we weak minded humans stick our thumbs into the mix.
    OK, done rambling, uhm, two thumbs up!
    Dave
    | Posted on 2004-09-20 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ]
      depressing. but if you'll end up the same why not be like you are?? at least then you don't have to fake anything (which can be quite hard work too). anyway I don't think you need to toy around with the flow, it's a great piece as it is. the only thing that I find strange is the "that's" in the third to last line. it doesn't fit in there for me (grammar) but you're the English tutor.
    | Posted on 2004-09-20 00:00:00 | by eve1684 | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi Cuddie i love your dress warm on you like a tongue over icecream well eh umm to the poem as in your usual style very imaginative but i believe you should the line that contains the word "stick" most probably it is a typo error but who cares like you said if all where in your making the world be be ...dronish
    | Posted on 2004-09-20 00:00:00 | by webdevil | [ Reply to This ]
      Depressing, yet true. It doesn't matter how much you try to change, it seems like everything is still the same. It's inescapable. You could try to be like everyone else, but are you happy? Try to be different, and you get pushed away. I liked this. Very well written. Good work.
    | Posted on 2004-09-20 00:00:00 | by HWKI | [ Reply to This ]
      wow... i agree with scert moon you did a great job a nd that is a very original idea ... its quite good . ill see if i can check out some of ur other stuff keep writing in this particular way.
    | Posted on 2004-09-20 00:00:00 | by Wolfdawn | [ Reply to This ]
      Amy,
    I'm glad that you ventured to write one a bit longer. I love the whole concept behind this and the realization that it would change nothing. I particularly liked the rubbing out your brain section, maybe because I'm sometimes too logical and practical. this one's going to Faves.
    jan
    | Posted on 2004-09-20 00:00:00 | by jaycee | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow. . . this is really deep. I must say I'm impressed although this isn't one of my faves. Here's some suggestions. . . stuff to change, or close to it, anyway.

    If this world was drawn
    on a universal chalkboard
    I could make myself
    like everyone else
    When the fashions changed
    I'd just doodle myself
    a new face
    and a new body

    Definitely you don't have to use these ideas but I think it would make it better if you toyed with the flow a little bit, to give it more originality. Good write!
    -Secret
    | Posted on 2004-09-20 00:00:00 | by secret moon | [ Reply to This ]


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