At night

Author: mimi ASL Info:    30/f/ny Elite Ratio:    3.66 - 597 /390 /111 Words: 125

Class/Type: Poetry /Misc Total Views: 1164 Average Vote:    No vote yet. Bytes: 678

Description:

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At night

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I heard a whisper with my inner ears Adding fuel to churn my fears felt a touch as cold as death when I closed my eyes, and held my breath. the ghost of memories from long ago, call my name, and let me know each day I live, each step I take, they call my name, they make me ache. I see no colors, only gray hear no words but the words they say At night I pray for the lord to keep To guard my soul and watch as I sleep Too dry the tears with which I weep To acknowledge me as a long lost sheep If I should live after I wake, I pray the lord my fears he take

Submitted on 2004-09-21 23:54:44     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments

you played around with that bed time prayer. nice piece but I'm not so keen on the keep/sleep/weep/sheep rhyming. a little too much, make just two lines rhyme. and I think you could leave out some 'I's. in poetry you don't need to have complete sentences. but you try to complete every one and end up with a lot 'I's. a suggestion: I heard a whisper with my inner ears Adding fuel to churn my fears felt a touch as cold as death A shadow passed over me with quiet stealth closing my eyes, but still I see The shadows need to hold on to me seeing no colors, only gray hearing no words but the words they say At night I pray for the lord to keep To guard my soul and watch as I sleep To dry the tears with which I weep To acknowledge me as a long lost sheep If I should live after I wake, I pray the lord my fears he take just a suggestion. take it or leave it.

| Posted on 2004-09-22 00:00:00 | by eve1684 | [ Reply to This ]

stealth doesn't fit at all, I thingk the whole line containing it may need some revision. aside from my extreme atheism I really liked this poem, had nice flow. -Sjatos

| Posted on 2004-09-22 00:00:00 | by whiteshadows | [ Reply to This ]

I am reminded of the times at night when i go to sleep and i hear whispers then and dark shadows moving across my room. I know i m hallucinating , but praying is something that i surely do. This is a little spooky..good work

| Posted on 2004-09-22 00:00:00 | by Sophia | [ Reply to This ]

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