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At night


Author: mimi
ASL Info:    30/f/ny
Elite Ratio:    3.66 - 597 /390 /111
Words: 125
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 1164
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 678



Description:


thanks everyone on the impute... hope you like it better after a few revisions..... I hope you see in a diffrent light


At night



I heard a whisper with my inner ears
Adding fuel to churn my fears
felt a touch as cold as death
when I closed my eyes, and held my breath.
the ghost of memories from long ago,
call my name, and let me know
each day I live, each step I take,
they call my name, they make me ache.
I see no colors, only gray
hear no words but the words they say
At night I pray for the lord to keep
To guard my soul and watch as I sleep
Too dry the tears with which I weep
To acknowledge me as a long lost sheep
If I should live after I wake,
I pray the lord my fears he take





Submitted on 2004-09-21 23:54:44     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  you played around with that bed time prayer. nice piece but I'm not so keen on the keep/sleep/weep/sheep rhyming. a little too much, make just two lines rhyme. and I think you could leave out some 'I's. in poetry you don't need to have complete sentences. but you try to complete every one and end up with a lot 'I's. a suggestion:

I heard a whisper with my inner ears
Adding fuel to churn my fears
felt a touch as cold as death
A shadow passed over me with quiet stealth
closing my eyes, but still I see
The shadows need to hold on to me
seeing no colors, only gray
hearing no words but the words they say
At night I pray for the lord to keep
To guard my soul and watch as I sleep
To dry the tears with which I weep
To acknowledge me as a long lost sheep
If I should live after I wake,
I pray the lord my fears he take

just a suggestion. take it or leave it.
| Posted on 2004-09-22 00:00:00 | by eve1684 | [ Reply to This ]
  stealth doesn't fit at all, I thingk the whole line containing it may need some revision.
aside from my extreme atheism I really liked this poem, had nice flow.
-Sjatos
| Posted on 2004-09-22 00:00:00 | by whiteshadows | [ Reply to This ]
  I am reminded of the times at night when i go to sleep and i hear whispers then and dark shadows moving across my room. I know i m hallucinating , but praying is something that i surely do.
This is a little spooky..good work
| Posted on 2004-09-22 00:00:00 | by Sophia | [ Reply to This ]


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