Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Fiberglass And Ambrosiadots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: ACircuitShock
    ASL Info:    18/M/WA
    Elite Ratio:    3.53 - 221/243/40
    Words: 240
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1036
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1753



    Description:
       Long, jagged, and hard to swallow. That's how this seems to me. It would be really easy to nitpick this one (I think) and point out some inconsistencies in the train of thougt. It's just a jumble of random threads anyway... But please, comment! Criticism is always welcome.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsFiberglass And Ambrosiadots
    -------------------------------------------


    A broken line
    Cut short for its length,
    With all the jagged little edges
    Left hanging in the asphalt.

    Sinking onyx monoliths
    Lying dormant, painted black.
    Left alone to be awakened
    By these tremors -
    Sending them into these pools
    Of iridescent crimson.

    Unrelenting metal
    Commands the wilting flesh,
    Sweeping the cries
    Of the gathering few
    And the mourning many;
    Sweeping them into blackness...

    Lost to redundancy.

    Failing and falling
    Is what we are best at,
    Marching and mouring
    Is why we are known.
    On this blacktop we pour
    Naieve minds on the surface,
    Leave them boiling on the ground
    In a fervor of heat
    And fiberglass.

    Ambrosia lines your veins...
    Why did you deny that?

    Now ambrosia paints the road...
    A masterpiece conceived by the angels,
    Yet constructed by demons.

    Stained glass shards
    And teardrops flow down;
    Dancing, blending to form the base
    From which all life inhales.
    An element of which
    Our skin so greatly desires,
    Lusts of this shell
    Yet we relish in their monstrosity.

    Salt and blood,
    It flows down the throat
    So smoothly that is seems
    Unnatural.
    But it is this wicked element
    That keeps you breathing.

    Forever this desire
    Keeps us bound and caged,
    And yet freedom would kill

    Forever this lust
    Soaks our minds
    And it keeps us...

    Unforgiven.

    But is there any other way?




    Submitted on 2004-09-22 00:38:35     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      i like this piece. i mean, it's kind of hard to follow, but, still, it really flowed so well that i didn't even seem to notice. your word choice is superior to many that i've seen and i enjoy it (although i have to look up a word here or there every once in a while! lol). i believe that you did weave a beautiful, although very confusing, picture within my imagination.... your last line/question gave me a glimmer of hope at the end! love it.... don't change ANYTHING!!!XOXO dandan
    | Posted on 2004-09-25 00:00:00 | by Dandan | [ Reply to This ]
      When I read it first I thought it was a little hard to follow, but after I read it a second time I kind of got a picture in my head. What I thought it was about was people who street race, and one of them crashed. I don't know if thats right, but its what I got out of it. Anyway, I think if you could work on the flow a little more, by keeping the train of thought a little more constent, the poem would be better. Anyway thats just my point of view and I could be wrong.
    | Posted on 2004-09-22 00:00:00 | by Matthew Grey | [ Reply to This ]
      wait OK i forgot you spelled smoothly wrong... and HAHA i just checked my poem and you left me a comment... with what I said about yours. Creepy...
    | Posted on 2004-09-22 00:00:00 | by DewdropMartini | [ Reply to This ]
      hah! ok this is EXACTLY as you described it, so I don't know what to critisize since you already know how it is. But I liked it, I really did, you've got some great, great imagery here, but I don't know I think it's cause I'm tired my brain is imagining cutting the shifting to an actual sidewalk scene. Pretty cool to me, but people often call me weird...
    | Posted on 2004-09-22 00:00:00 | by DewdropMartini | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    25216

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry