Description: Long, jagged, and hard to swallow. That's how this seems to me. It would be really easy to nitpick this one (I think) and point out some inconsistencies in the train of thougt. It's just a jumble of random threads anyway... But please, comment! Criticism is always welcome.
Fiberglass And Ambrosia -------------------------------------------
A broken line
Cut short for its length,
With all the jagged little edges
Left hanging in the asphalt.
Sinking onyx monoliths
Lying dormant, painted black.
Left alone to be awakened
By these tremors -
Sending them into these pools
Of iridescent crimson.
Unrelenting metal
Commands the wilting flesh,
Sweeping the cries
Of the gathering few
And the mourning many;
Sweeping them into blackness...
Lost to redundancy.
Failing and falling
Is what we are best at,
Marching and mouring
Is why we are known.
On this blacktop we pour
Naieve minds on the surface,
Leave them boiling on the ground
In a fervor of heat
And fiberglass.
Ambrosia lines your veins...
Why did you deny that?
Now ambrosia paints the road...
A masterpiece conceived by the angels,
Yet constructed by demons.
Stained glass shards
And teardrops flow down;
Dancing, blending to form the base
From which all life inhales.
An element of which
Our skin so greatly desires,
Lusts of this shell
Yet we relish in their monstrosity.
Salt and blood,
It flows down the throat
So smoothly that is seems
Unnatural.
But it is this wicked element
That keeps you breathing.
Forever this desire
Keeps us bound and caged,
And yet freedom would kill
Forever this lust
Soaks our minds
And it keeps us...
i like this piece. i mean, it's kind of hard to follow, but, still, it really flowed so well that i didn't even seem to notice. your word choice is superior to many that i've seen and i enjoy it (although i have to look up a word here or there every once in a while! lol). i believe that you did weave a beautiful, although very confusing, picture within my imagination.... your last line/question gave me a glimmer of hope at the end! love it.... don't change ANYTHING!!!XOXO dandan
When I read it first I thought it was a little hard to follow, but after I read it a second time I kind of got a picture in my head. What I thought it was about was people who street race, and one of them crashed. I don't know if thats right, but its what I got out of it. Anyway, I think if you could work on the flow a little more, by keeping the train of thought a little more constent, the poem would be better. Anyway thats just my point of view and I could be wrong.
hah! ok this is EXACTLY as you described it, so I don't know what to critisize since you already know how it is. But I liked it, I really did, you've got some great, great imagery here, but I don't know I think it's cause I'm tired my brain is imagining cutting the shifting to an actual sidewalk scene. Pretty cool to me, but people often call me weird...
Submission Name: Fiberglass And Ambrosia
