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asleep forever


Author: brokenmirror
ASL Info:    150/f/duiuwy89
Elite Ratio:    3.11 - 46 /71 /29
Words: 89
Class/Type: Misc /Misc
Total Views: 1014
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 615



Description:


not the best poem i have ever written...it originally had more to it, and had a definate ending, but i didn't like any of it so i took it out....any feedback or ideas on more to add/ending would help, thanks


asleep forever



you've dug your own grave
now lie in it and die
your time is up
i'll tell everyone you said goodbye
i'll tell everyone you said goodbye...

place the dirt over your head
breath in deep
as u lau there lifeless
i'll try not to weep
i'll just pretend your asleep
i'll just pretend your asleep...

you left the world with nothing
never accomplished or achieved
you gave it your all
and wore your heart on your sleeve
you wore your heart on your sleeve...





Submitted on 2004-09-22 17:38:31     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  everyone has these feelings sometimes... but this was very dark and original i must say for this type of emotion. although as i read it, i felt as though you didnt quite do it justice with the wording, and the name invited me because sometmies i do wish to sleep forever, and i thought thats what the poem would be about. First impression seemed to be a lot more going on under the surface, and i hope you can ellaborate after you get your thoughts together one day.. dont let this one get away.
| Posted on 2004-11-13 00:00:00 | by Josh | [ Reply to This ]
  i thought that it was a nice flowing poem. i liked the whole sense of it. to me, it sounds like someone trying to deal with a death. At first they seem mad and then like they can't deal with it at all.In the end it kind of sounds like they can accept it because they are talking about how the person was when they were alive. thats just what i got out of it. i like the shortness to me it adds to the poem. but this is all just my opinion. overall i liked it. good write.
| Posted on 2004-09-22 00:00:00 | by _Joeysgirl_ | [ Reply to This ]
  it gets me in 2 ways, it either just came to you out of no where, or it took a lot of time and thought, and ill hold true to the latter. If this was a well thought out poem, it was truly amazing after thinking about it for a while. I must say certain emphasis and different word choice to make the poem easier to "see" , but all it would do is just add to it.
| Posted on 2004-09-22 00:00:00 | by Josh | [ Reply to This ]


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