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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Deconstructeddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: cuddledumplin
    ASL Info:    36/ f/UK
    Elite Ratio:    4.08 - 6269/5927/526
    Words: 49
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 669
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 354



    Description:
       Well, it's not about Jacques Derrida although I intend to write about him eventually.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDeconstructeddots
    -------------------------------------------


    In a dream I see your face,
    first in black and white,
    then one color at a time:
    the blue eyes,
    bronze skin,
    pink lips,
    brown hair.
    I awaken
    and see you,
    your glow shaming Technicolor
    and drift away again
    appreciating your glory more
    having seen it deconstructed.




    Submitted on 2004-09-22 21:57:54     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This is cool....like seeing an artist work in reverse...only painting with the colors of a soul. Short piece but it did it for me....watch it! You'll get a reputation as a romantic (~_^) great idea and delivery...ahhhhhhhhhh.
    | Posted on 2004-09-22 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      This is interesting. I bit odd I must add, but interesting. I like the simplicity of it.
    I like the idea of it a lot actually...how a person gets more and more beautiful when you memorize fall in love with every little thing about them.
    | Posted on 2004-09-22 00:00:00 | by Scribbles1338 | [ Reply to This ]
      This is lovely, although I may have found it easier to read with a bit of punctuation.

    In a dream
    I see your face[-]
    First in black and white[,]
    Then one color at a time[.]
    The blue eyes[,]
    Bronze skin[,]
    Pink lips[.../-/,]
    I awaken
    And see you[.]

    Here you end this with "you", then begin the next line with "you" again, causing the next line to read:

    You glow[,] shaming Technicolor[,]
    And drift away again
    Appreciating your glory more,
    Having seen it deconstructed

    In this last bit I believe it is the narrator appreciating the glory, but that is not specified. Perhaps if you were to change it to read

    And drift away again.
    I appreciate your glory more,
    Having seen it deconstructed.

    Beautiful image and overall nicely done cuddle!

    SS
    | Posted on 2004-09-22 00:00:00 | by Stalking Sylvia | [ Reply to This ]
      Dont worry about what they say about ur pun, it doesn't matter poetry isn't about spelling, punctuations or anything especially trying to correct someone, it's about feelings and I felt ur poem and liked it go on GURL!
    | Posted on 2004-09-22 00:00:00 | by Cordell | [ Reply to This ]
      THis is very unlike me, but from "I awaken" I get the feeling that you're saying too much. The last line's good though. I know, it is just the way you like it and unlikely to be revised. Up to you. Nice one.
    | Posted on 2004-09-23 00:00:00 | by Lelik | [ Reply to This ]
      first thing: who's Jacques Derrida?? I have no clue. forgive me my ignorance.
    however with your description you've painted a picture in my mind how he might look like. it's very vivid. 'awaken' is an expression I wouldn't use in that context, but I'm not going to argue with you about English grammar cause usually you're the one who's right. anyway this piece is a really good poem. I like it.
    | Posted on 2004-09-23 00:00:00 | by eve1684 | [ Reply to This ]
      i like the idea, i just don't like the delivery. i guess i'm spoiled. i hate technological references, the technicolor did me in.
    | Posted on 2004-09-24 00:00:00 | by lukewarm | [ Reply to This ]


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