[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Deconstructeddots

    Author: cuddledumplin
    ASL Info:    36/ f/UK
    Elite Ratio:    4.08 - 6269/5927/526
    Words: 49
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 687
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 354

       Well, it's not about Jacques Derrida although I intend to write about him eventually.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    In a dream I see your face,
    first in black and white,
    then one color at a time:
    the blue eyes,
    bronze skin,
    pink lips,
    brown hair.
    I awaken
    and see you,
    your glow shaming Technicolor
    and drift away again
    appreciating your glory more
    having seen it deconstructed.

    Submitted on 2004-09-22 21:57:54     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      This is cool....like seeing an artist work in reverse...only painting with the colors of a soul. Short piece but it did it for me....watch it! You'll get a reputation as a romantic (~_^) great idea and delivery...ahhhhhhhhhh.
    | Posted on 2004-09-22 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      This is interesting. I bit odd I must add, but interesting. I like the simplicity of it.
    I like the idea of it a lot actually...how a person gets more and more beautiful when you memorize fall in love with every little thing about them.
    | Posted on 2004-09-22 00:00:00 | by Scribbles1338 | [ Reply to This ]
      This is lovely, although I may have found it easier to read with a bit of punctuation.

    In a dream
    I see your face[-]
    First in black and white[,]
    Then one color at a time[.]
    The blue eyes[,]
    Bronze skin[,]
    Pink lips[.../-/,]
    I awaken
    And see you[.]

    Here you end this with "you", then begin the next line with "you" again, causing the next line to read:

    You glow[,] shaming Technicolor[,]
    And drift away again
    Appreciating your glory more,
    Having seen it deconstructed

    In this last bit I believe it is the narrator appreciating the glory, but that is not specified. Perhaps if you were to change it to read

    And drift away again.
    I appreciate your glory more,
    Having seen it deconstructed.

    Beautiful image and overall nicely done cuddle!

    | Posted on 2004-09-22 00:00:00 | by Stalking Sylvia | [ Reply to This ]
      Dont worry about what they say about ur pun, it doesn't matter poetry isn't about spelling, punctuations or anything especially trying to correct someone, it's about feelings and I felt ur poem and liked it go on GURL!
    | Posted on 2004-09-22 00:00:00 | by Cordell | [ Reply to This ]
      THis is very unlike me, but from "I awaken" I get the feeling that you're saying too much. The last line's good though. I know, it is just the way you like it and unlikely to be revised. Up to you. Nice one.
    | Posted on 2004-09-23 00:00:00 | by Lelik | [ Reply to This ]
      first thing: who's Jacques Derrida?? I have no clue. forgive me my ignorance.
    however with your description you've painted a picture in my mind how he might look like. it's very vivid. 'awaken' is an expression I wouldn't use in that context, but I'm not going to argue with you about English grammar cause usually you're the one who's right. anyway this piece is a really good poem. I like it.
    | Posted on 2004-09-23 00:00:00 | by eve1684 | [ Reply to This ]
      i like the idea, i just don't like the delivery. i guess i'm spoiled. i hate technological references, the technicolor did me in.
    | Posted on 2004-09-24 00:00:00 | by lukewarm | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    cleverly shunned written by CrypticBard
    Estranged / Shocks written by Daniel Barlow
    Primitive Lapse written by Crestfallenman
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (final) written by endlessgame23
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Sunset written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Because of You written by poetotoe
    It's Night Now written by RisingSon
    Pain, an elixir. written by Ramneet
    new moon written by CrypticBard
    Happy Saint Patrick's Day written by poetotoe
    AI written by poetotoe
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Your Lover written by Cordell
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Summer written by layDsayD
    Dashboard Light written by layDsayD
    Before, Now, & After written by SincerWritinAsh
    Bee Keeper written by endlessgame23
    I will call out your name written by RisingSon
    You do, I Do written by poetotoe
    Alone in the Crowd written by SavedDragon
    The Song on Your Guitar written by SavedDragon
    the living moment written by ShyOne
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (7) written by endlessgame23
    Once Again written by krs3332003
    Still Fighting See? written by ForgottenGraves
    descent written by TheBadSadMan
    Or are we written in the sand? written by Chelebel




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]