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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Adventures of J+Ldots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: ares_nuke_1
    Elite Ratio:    3.11 - 106/151/76
    Words: 1384
    Class/Type: Story/Misc
    Total Views: 1256
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 7761



    Description:
       Today is my 21st birthday and being the generous person I am, instead of going out to get totally sh*t faced drunk...I have given you all something to look at and ponder. All i want today is a "gift" from all you who read this today.
    That gift being some sort of response, feedback, reply about this short story i've begun to write. Is it good? Should i continue it? Does it suck? Do you wish to see a larger portion of the story each day? ANYTHING I don't care. To me that would be a good end to the worst week of my life. I won't go into details, but lets just say I don't think it can get any worse. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, and one of you readers has it. Please show me the light. Thanks


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAdventures of J+Ldots
    -------------------------------------------


    Jake awoke early with the rising sun. It was his seventeenth brithday and he didn't want to miss the trip of a lifetime. This year for his birthday he only asked for one simple gift...a trip to the lake with only his father and some camping gear. Rising from his bed, he grabbed his glasses from the bookshelf, put them on his face, and then proceeded to put on his morning slippers.

    A sweet smell rose into the air, and Jake could recognize that smell anywhere.It was venison sausage, his favorite. In a rush Jake opened his door and rushed down the spiral staircase to meet his favorite breakfast prepared by his favorite chef, his dad. Jake's father hardly ever cooked, but when he did there was no other food on this earth that could compete.

    "Oh, there you are. I let you sleep in since you were up so late last night opening gifts." His father said after hearing the door slam behind Jake.

    "What about...?" Jake started

    "The gear? Oh don't worry about that I took care of that first thing this morning. Now just sit there and I'll get you some breakfast" Jake's father cracked two eggs on the frying pan and dropped them in. After cooking them he grabbed a plate, put the food on it, and sat in front of Jake. "There you are...that should hit the spot" he said smiling.

    After devouring his breakfast Jake felt a surge of energy. Within thirty minutes afterwords he was fully dressed and ready to go. He was wearing blue jeans and a Linkin Park t-shirt. Though it wasn't what normal kids would wear to the woods, Jake wore what he wanted when he wanted, and he never bnought into peer pressure.

    His dad took the car keys from the key ring and headed out the door. Just before he shut the front door, he turned around and shouted, "Let's go...!" Jake was right behind him running for the doorway. After locking up the house and getting situated in the car, they were off. For Jake this would be the adventure of a lifetime...for his father it would be his last.

    They arrived at their campsite at around noon. While unloading the gear Jake couldn't help but notice the log cabin sitting about a mile to his right, perched on top of a hill. "That, my son, belongs to an old friend of mine who passed away three years ago, when he was hit by a truck going too fast down the freeway. I believe he may have given the house to his son, but I'm not to sure...Anyways I don't think anyone will be bothering us out here...we're miles away from civilization." Jake was somewhat skeptical as he stared off at the house thinking, "What if someone is there right now?...Will they make us leave?" Jake shook his head in an attempt to remove the thoughts from his mind.

    "So now that it's your birthday you think you can get away with not helping set camp." His father interupted.

    "I...I.."

    "Come on and give me hand. You know that if I could set this stuff up myself I would." Jake relunctantly walked to his father and helped him pitch the tent. By the time camp was set the sun was starting to go down. Glancing at his watch Jake realized it was already three in the afternoon. Which meant one thing. His dad would be cooking soon. With that thought a canteen landed right in front of him, thrown by his father.

    "We're going to need some water if I'm going to cook that stew you like so much. I'll start the fire while you get the water." Jake reached down and picked up the canteen, and then he was off to the lake.

    Jake had one fear that he feared above all others, getting lost. For his birthday last year his father had given him a bag of orange glow-in-the-dark thumbtacks. That way they could be seen both in the day and at night. Jake grabbed a handfull of these from his pack before he entered the woods. Every twenty feet or so Jake would stop, turn ninety degrees and insert a thumbtack into a tree. Then he truned around and continued on.

    Within a few minutes Jake spotted what he had been looking for. The lake was seen through some shrubberry that layed ahead, and from the looks of it the lake was only fifty more feet ahead. Just as Jake was about to take his next step he heard a rustling sound coming from behind the shrubberry...he stopped in his tracks.

    Time around him seemed to stop, and it grew very quiet in the woods. This meant either one of two things: either he was over-reacting, or something on the other side of the shrubberry heard him too. Preparing for the worst he dropped to one knee and picked up the only thing he could use to defend himself, a three foot long stick with a one inch diameter.
    Jake stood open mouthed in awe rather than fear once he had seen what it was behind the shrubbery. It was a young woman who appeared to be in her mid twenties. She had long flowing blonde hair, which appeared to white due to the sun reflecting off of it at that particuliar. She stood about five-feet and seven-inches tall. To Jake she appeared to be some kind of heavenly creature.

    She approached him wearing a red bikini. "What are you doing here?" She asked. She was shivering to the point where you could hear it in her voice.

    Now seeing the girl from outside the sunlight, Jake could tell she was swimming in the lake. She was soaking wet. Only one thought crossed his mind, and he knew what to say to verify it. "I was going to ask you the same question."

    At this the girl stopped shivering immediately. It was like a transformation. Anger had caused her to forget about the cold. She stood into the eyes of a stranger. Probably just another one of those college boys out here throwing a party again she thought. It was then that she saw the half rotten stick. "And just what the hell do you suppose you're going to do with that." She stood there pointing at the worthless weopon, while awaiting a reply. She found something perculiar about this boy, he almost seemed familiar.

    Jake thought for a few seconds. He knew he had to be wity. Girls fall head over heels for witty guys, but the words that followed next were plain and stale. "Oh I was just getting some firewood." Jake knew she wouldn't believe that the second he had said it. From the look he saw on her face he thouhgt she already knew what he was really going to do with it.

    The girl from the lake gave out a small laugh. "You know you're the worst liar i've ever seen. First off you spent way to long coming up with that lie. Secondly that wood in your hand is soggy, and wouldn't burn well at all. For a matter of fact it would be pretty damn near impossible for that to burn. Also you're too far away from the campground."

    "How do you know where the campground is?" Jake spouted back without even thinking.

    "Does it even matter now? You basically just proved me right by asking that question. If you really must know though, I saw you pull up with some older man whom I presume to be your father, around noon. I saw you from my proch." she pointed to the log cabin upon the hill in the distance.

    Jake felt his heart drop. He had strucken out. This girl had no interest in him. It was as if his worst fear had come true. The owner of the log cabin is here right in front of me, and know she's about to ask me to leave...




    Submitted on 2004-09-23 23:13:43     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      good start. keep writing, and post as it comes.
    you've already surprised me and i want to know what happens next. you might want to reconsider the blunt prediction that this will be dad's last adventure. try some subtle foreshadowing instead. i'm expecting dad to snuff it around every tree, and that's a dread that diminishes the plot development.

    advice for as you continue: don't edit or change until you've got it out. then go back and revise. even if you get comments that make you want to start over, quell that urge and keep writing. if you stop to revise before it's finished, it might never be finished.
    | Posted on 2004-09-23 00:00:00 | by perfect_apology | [ Reply to This ]
      Great start: i like where you've gone with this: one point however: is that you've got a typo: just afet jake eats breakfast: you spelt brought wrong. But otherwise, not much at all that i would change: keep goin
    | Posted on 2004-09-24 00:00:00 | by littlecoombs | [ Reply to This ]


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