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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Obsidiandots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: honus
    Elite Ratio:    4.78 - 90/96/32
    Words: 61
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 722
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 487



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsObsidiandots
    -------------------------------------------


    I break
    open,
    obsidian
    beneath skin
    and wonder,

    what happened
    to the entrails
    promised
    by my high
    school text books?

    There must be more
    to our clockwork systems
    than raw sinew,roped meat
    and layers of thick white cellulite.

    Perhaps this stone,
    worked into confusing knots
    just below my epidermal crust,
    was crafted percisely without thought .




    Submitted on 2004-09-24 04:20:56     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      listen. The structure of your poem was not wasted on me. I like the way it gets larger as it goes. Making the bottom seem almost like a base. cool.

    The problem is, this poem is to me for the most part abstract. The thing about writing abstract is that other people might not get much out of it. I mean I don't think there is a cooler feeling than when you write something and engross people in it from relation or just sheer interest. I think the worst direction a writer can take, at least a writer who is posting work for others opinions, is to write something that no one is affected by. They don't relate or have interest in because they don't understand in the slightest.


    in other words, does this piece have any point at all? if so, it is way to vague for anybody but the person who wrote it to grasp.


    thats my word.
    kam
    | Posted on 2004-09-24 00:00:00 | by Mister Fizzle | [ Reply to This ]
      interesting poem, tho i had to go to dictionary.com to be sure of the meanings of some of the words. and i think it took me time but i got the first two stanzas. first i wondered what did entrail mean over here, first i thought that it might have another meaning, but then understood the whole poem, it is about our body, you cant see the intestines and wonder aboout them, you think there should be more to it than meat and cellulite, and then think that this jumbled machine was made without thoughts.

    i hope i interpreted it correct. well good poem loved the obsidian thing, good title. interesting.

    Zu
    | Posted on 2004-09-24 00:00:00 | by Zu | [ Reply to This ]
      Your title "Obsidian" is very appropriate for your poem. You were able to compare school life to a simple object that is usually not noticed around. And your style is very unique. I like it. Actually, your title says it all. Though I think it would be better if you try to lengthen it more and add more stanzas that can contribute to the image of an "obsidian". Good Work!
    | Posted on 2004-09-24 00:00:00 | by solitary_cross | [ Reply to This ]
      Great poem. Very simple but very deep. And very interesting structure.
    Maybe this peace doesn't have a point at all but it asks a very good question. And somethimes that is enough.
    | Posted on 2004-09-24 00:00:00 | by Poly Jean | [ Reply to This ]
      Nice, but a little too vague. A little more clarity would be nice..Some more flow to it also. Interesting though. Keep up the nice work...
    | Posted on 2004-09-24 00:00:00 | by Sunray | [ Reply to This ]
      yeah,I guess the thought that we slowly turn to stone inside after so much living never occurred to me when I wrote this.That is an awfully vague poem
    | Posted on 2004-09-24 00:00:00 | by honus | [ Reply to This ]


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