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across the room


Author: mimi
ASL Info:    30/f/ny
Elite Ratio:    3.66 - 597 /390 /111
Words: 76
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 1173
Average Vote:    4.0000
Bytes: 518



Description:



I am still working on this one...


across the room




I saw you from across the room
something in me
responded to
The look in your eyes.
The hidden meaning behind your expression
And you.
I heard you speak from across the room
And something in me
Responded to
The sound of your voice
It’s depth, clarity,
Confidence, and intelligence
I want another chance to
See you
Speak to you
And see if
Something in you
Responds to
Me.




Submitted on 2004-09-24 13:33:09     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  I like the short, chopped phrasing. Most of the time, choppiness, or abrupt line changes, bother me, but this was excellent use of short lines for force a more breathy, more excitied, feel. I can't say I've ever felt like this with anyone... but I love the sentiment and would like to think that one day... hehe :)
| Posted on 2005-01-31 00:00:00 | by jer | [ Reply to This ]
  Great! You capture that Romeo and Juliet thing very well in this. I like your usage of "confidence and intelligence" words fit together well. Nice use of short phrases. Makes it simple, so the reader gets to fill in the blanks. Cool!
| Posted on 2004-09-24 00:00:00 | by marysunshine | [ Reply to This ]
  I like the poem. This poem reminds me of one that I wrote not that long ago...it was about me and my boyfriend. We started out just seeing each other and not knowin what was to come. You describe what it's like to look across the room at someone that you think you might connect with! Keep up the good work!
| Posted on 2004-09-24 00:00:00 | by codysangel | [ Reply to This ]
  This started out very nice, the lines:
The look in your eyes
The sound of your voice
Correspond so nicely but you didn't carry that through but it was still a good read.
| Posted on 2004-09-24 00:00:00 | by dmm | [ Reply to This ]
  Ykno. This is how I've met a ffew of my g/fs. Its the really reason I'm glad to be big and tall with a loud deep voice. It definitely connected to me on an emotional level, but I think it does in fact need some more work because - i dunno its not poetically effective at all.
shard
| Posted on 2004-09-24 00:00:00 | by particularshard | [ Reply to This ]


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