Lost in all thought
Gone to the deep center of my mind
Going to places
A different one each time i want to
To the exciting and happy
Going to the memories
Good and the bad
Heading deeper into the places that i please
Into my world of day dreams
| I think it is a good length. If you added anymore I jsut think it would be too much, I think it says all it needs to say. I especailly think that the way it trails straight into a daydream is perfect||| Posted on 2005-08-09 00:00:00 | by Tarwen Nevle | [ Reply to This ] || I like it. . . sounds like me during biology or geometry. . . I can literally feel myself floating out of the window and into the big blue thing that hovers just above the school. . . here's my revision. . . |
Lost from the threat of any and all thought
Gone to the world, to the deep center of my mind
A different spot whenever I want to
To the exciting and the happy
To the melancholy and the terrifying
Going to the memories
To the good
And to the bad
Heading further into the places
Deeper into the anywhere-I-please
Into my world of daydreams
I dunno, take it or leave it but there she is.
|| Posted on 2004-10-04 00:00:00 | by secret moon | [ Reply to This ] || well i disagree with indielf...i think this could be extented. i think you could maybe tell us abouty those places you can go and how they make you feel...oh and capitalization...yes i agree it could use some but puncuation...you dont always need it in poems its your choice if you want it or not...smiles ange||| Posted on 2004-10-02 00:00:00 | by purplesun24 | [ Reply to This ] || i think you could go places with this, like describing some of what you day dream. i've always been a day dreamer myself... head on deeper into those places! ||| Posted on 2004-09-28 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ] || This isn't too short.|
Its too damn long.
Condense this into a haiku.
Its the pefect amount of material for one.
|| Posted on 2004-10-17 00:00:00 | by MyX | [ Reply to This ] || I just said this to someone else but oh well, I love fantasy, day dreams, anything to get away from reality. So this was a nice read for me, very simple, I don't think there's a lot to improve on so much as elaborate on. Such as, where do you go in your day dreams? You get the idea, write on...||| Posted on 2004-09-24 00:00:00 | by JimweiZERO | [ Reply to This ] || It's nice and all, but what is this supposed to be about? All you need to rea;lly improve on is letting people know about what this means to you, Overall it's pretty good.||| Posted on 2004-09-24 00:00:00 | by Chicool2 | [ Reply to This ] || IHO, this peom does not need to be extended! It was simple and had attitude...If you can understand when I say that, this poem showed forth confidence of the author that they knew what they were writing about. What I like about is the flow...Ok I normally don't say flow, when I critique I try to use words people don't normally use. But this went from one line to the next like a fairy jumping accross a creek stone by stone.. Thought by thought line by line. I think you might have meant "exciting" instead of exiting?? To the dreamers, this poem may sound a bit too cliché and...natural to their thought process and vocabulary. What this poem could us is vocabulary. You had nice thoughts, just use a bit more beautiful words instead of the words we know and see everyday. And make like a word bank, so that we will completely understand what you are trying to convey. Yes most def. take your time on this. It's like gold you would find in the 1800's, it's rough now cause you just found it, but it can be refined into a nugget and kept for years to come.|
Another thing you could do is use capitlization and punctuation to make the poem look more mature, like you were in control and knew what you were doing while you were writing it. When you capitilize, believe it or not, you get taken more seriously. Though this poem isn't really satire or anything, so it's mostly choice. I don't know. But great work! I mean, I haven't seem many poems like this. Write on Rock on..
|| Posted on 2004-09-24 00:00:00 | by Indi Elf | [ Reply to This ] |