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Hello my friend.
Have you come for a visit?
Have you come here to stay?
To rearrange my surroundings,
Or will you soon go away?
If I give you keys I keep hidden
And greet you with a smile.
Will you bid me adieu?
Or will you stay for a while?
If I call you my friend,
Embrace your darkness to me,
Will you go and stay gone
And will I forever be free?
So I say, “Hello friend.
Please make your stay here long
I want you to feel free, feel as though you do belong.
| For some reason, this makes me think of a lady's menses. Umm, not in a graphic or descriptive way... just generally. The acceptance of the unwelcome guest is, I guess, what leads me down that road. Of course, I'm a sick dude, so it is far more likely that I'm just jacking up the interpretation...||| Posted on 2005-01-31 00:00:00 | by jer | [ Reply to This ] || ok the title doesn't seem to match the poem, if you could please pm why you chose to write it in the way you did,please|
The poem itself makes sense, though you didn't name who the friend was,but that's actually kool,letting the readers decide that.
|| Posted on 2005-03-03 00:00:00 | by edthepoet | [ Reply to This ] || interesting content. I'm not sure I get who the "friend" is but maybe thats the thing. |
The rhyme scheme starts off clever and solid, but the meter starts to get a little shakey halfway in and the rhyming starts to get a little forced towards the end.
Suggestions For Perfection:
1) try to tighten up meter
2) re-think some of those rhymes, sometimes it takes patience for the right word to come to you, but there is always one right word that belongs.
whether this adive is taken or not, good luck with all you write.
|| Posted on 2004-09-25 00:00:00 | by Mister Fizzle | [ Reply to This ] || freedom, freedom, freedom. freedom from that anxious feeling. gotta give it to reality. it is an interesting concept. you did good. very good.||| Posted on 2004-09-25 00:00:00 | by Iris DeCarto | [ Reply to This ] || wow...very interesting...I think the concept is brilliant...very good job on the write. I enjoyed the poem...keep up the writes...||| Posted on 2004-09-25 00:00:00 | by Raksha | [ Reply to This ] || Hi there. I always loved a poem that is made up of an extended metaphor, and you were very consistent with it. It also has an optimistic tone rather than the usual pessimistic tone poems usually seem to adopt. Thank you for the great read.|
|| Posted on 2004-09-25 00:00:00 | by Leila | [ Reply to This ] |