[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Her Favorite toy part 2dots

    Author: camoflage
    ASL Info:    16/f/nc
    Elite Ratio:    4.51 - 459/295/71
    Words: 200
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 882
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1194

       This is part 2 ta one of my poems, her favorite toy, and you'd have to read it to understand what's going on, but mainly for those few who have read it, her best friend saved her!I would really like if you could tell me how to fix this though, it seems ..um..not quite right?..is that making sense...well anyways read, and comment(please)

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHer Favorite toy part 2dots

    She woke up a few mornings after her attempt to play with her knife,
    ashamed she failed to take her life.
    She looked down at her wrist,
    and began to throw a fit.
    (Listen closely because here's the twist)
    A boy walked into the hospital room humming but as soon as he entered the room his smile faded,
    he looked at his best friend,
    disappointed at the way she chose as means to an end.
    Tears formed in his eyes as he looked at her and for the first time, he cried,
    he cried for the thing she tried.
    He cried as he remembered when he found her lying on the floor,
    broken and helpless lying in front of the door.
    And he asked" why".
    she answered with a shaky smile,
    and sat down to cry for a while.
    And she answered "I had no reason to live..."
    She was cut off" Yes,you had me and the friendship I offered to give."
    she came to a realization,
    that her best friend was a gift to civilization.
    She smiled as she discovered she had something to live for....
    she had a best friend,
    one who rescued her from an early end.

    Submitted on 2004-09-25 20:39:05     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      an end to this is yes i agree in free verse and the other one too. you are better off breaking it into sections and perhaps adding some more lines to give somethings greater input and desciption. i have to admit the rhyming seemed a bit forced this time take the time to write slow and let it happen even if it takes months and months to do. i know one of my poems took a whole 6 months to write iti is shakespearian death you might like it : ) glad you finiished this one.
    | Posted on 2004-09-27 00:00:00 | by death22881 | [ Reply to This ]
      I still think this series of yours should be a free verse. There were a few lines that threw off the rhythm and there was a line that didn't make much sense. Also, there were a few spelling and punctuation errors. I won't revise it for you but if you skim the poem I think you'll find out what I mean. Otherwise its pretty good, but the forcing of the rhymes still seems present. -Kenji
    | Posted on 2004-09-27 00:00:00 | by Kenji Light | [ Reply to This ]
      Heh well, this is also great, I relate so well to it. ;) You are defintaly a good writer, and should keep writing. Besides the flow in the begining, there is nothing I would change, oncve again, forget about spelling. Have fun with you writing! You are one of the best that I have seen in a while.
    | Posted on 2004-09-27 00:00:00 | by Kera | [ Reply to This ]
      I was really tired when i got round to this: but its definitely awesome: u had me worried about u for a bit with part one: but this part is exactly where i'm at right now: u summed it up[ perfectly: "that her best friend was a gift to civilisation" u just described the person i worte about in "freedom in trust" THanks heas 4 the great read
    | Posted on 2004-09-27 00:00:00 | by littlecoombs | [ Reply to This ]
      I love it! Part 2 really just helped it so much. This brought tears to my eyes, and I really felt this one. You did such a great job and everything comes together.

    dissapointed at the way she chose as means to an end.
    Tears formed in his eyes as he looked at her and for the first time, he cried,
    he cried for the thing she tried.

    I love these lines. You've done a fantastic job. And BTW, North Carolina rocks.
    | Posted on 2004-09-26 00:00:00 | by emo-tastic | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]