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    dots Submission Name: Forgottendots

    Author: Kera
    ASL Info:    18-f-NH
    Elite Ratio:    3.67 - 116/129/29
    Words: 135
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 1786
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 918


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    She feels the pain
    more then anything

    watch her fall
    watch her stumble

    drunk with hate
    high with death

    bloody cleaver at her throat

    watch her cut
    watch her bleed
    watch her fall
    watch her stumble

    see those pills
    take them all

    watch her faint
    watch her lay
    watch her cut
    watch her bleed
    watch her fall
    watch her stumble

    the bottle,
    the cleaver,
    the drugs,
    her only friends

    they invite her to a party
    a party of death

    the only party she has been to
    here she cant get mocked,
    cant get hit

    they invite her to a party
    a party of death
    here she joins the other realm
    realm of darkness
    and here she will stay

    Submitted on 2004-09-25 22:08:19     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      ooh...dark. I love it. its going down as a fave. This is...hmm..why must I be at such a lack of words today? I loved it, but i already said that. It portays a dependency to me...like the things listed that she does are her only means of escape, the only things she thinks that help her...man, this was really good.

    | Posted on 2005-03-01 00:00:00 | by drk_angl_17 | [ Reply to This ]
      Your 14 too? Yay! I liked this poem because of its intense emotions. It portrays the confusion of the situation. I think the repeditive-ness adds to the confusion which in this case is a good thing.
    "High on death."<loved that line.
    | Posted on 2004-09-26 00:00:00 | by impassive sky | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked this a lot, though I feel as if you may have gone a bit overboard with the repetition of the phrase 'watch her'. However, I have to admit that I was blown away by the lines "drunk with hate /high with death" Extremely powerful lines right there. Overall I thought it was a decent piece, though I feel as if you were focusing more on actions and less on the feelings behind them. That's just my opinion though.
    | Posted on 2004-09-26 00:00:00 | by Babysweet56 | [ Reply to This ]
      This wasn't powerful to me. Same old teenage depressed 'I wanna die' stuff. I think it's time to write about happy things. The good things in life. Not how much someone wants to go to a 'death party'. Just my opinion but this wasn't as good as others claim it to be.
    | Posted on 2004-09-25 00:00:00 | by borderlinetears | [ Reply to This ]
      I really liked the poem, and i guess "morbid" is exactly my style. I don't know why, but that word describes so well, what i like, and what i erite, and what i paint...I like your style, and the way you have repettion and addittion to some parts. It's areally awesome poem. I'm looking forward to seeing your writting again.
    Great job! Keep it up!
    | Posted on 2004-09-25 00:00:00 | by Olianna | [ Reply to This ]
      i thought this poem was very interesting i enjoyed it quite a bit like most people have said it is a bit morbid but it is kool in the same since so keep you the work
    | Posted on 2004-09-25 00:00:00 | by firedemon | [ Reply to This ]
      it's very powerfull, but you take away from the edge with the repaeting of lines, it's still an attention grabber, and really dark.you did a good job on this,even though it's repetative, I like the 1st stanza, the 4th stanza and the last stanza, there all filled with raw emiotion, even if it isn't yours, you broght this peice to life,with the vivd emiotion and small amounts of imagery.You should be proud,good write, nice read.ROCK ON!
    | Posted on 2004-09-25 00:00:00 | by camoflage | [ Reply to This ]
      pf, powerful. i have only one thing to say to that:
    they invite her to a party
    a party of death

    got it? worst lines ever. sorry to be so harsh, but this poem is extremely repetitive and clichéd to the max. why does nobody write anything original anymore? anyway, rant over, this poem needs some editing. start with the 'watch her faint watch her cut watch her blah blah freakin' blah' lines. variety, it needs variety. good start.
    | Posted on 2004-09-25 00:00:00 | by purple dinosaur | [ Reply to This ]
      this is one of the most powerful things i have ever read.. it feels like it is alive with emotion.. you can really feel like it is pulling you into it's own little world.. not many writers can do this.. you should be proud.. i love it.
    | Posted on 2004-09-25 00:00:00 | by Pyrosis | [ Reply to This ]

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