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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: My Choosingdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: camoflage
    ASL Info:    16/f/nc
    Elite Ratio:    4.51 - 459/295/71
    Words: 113
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 981
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 695



    Description:
       Thought's? Any misspelling? Anything I can do to fix this up, and help the message along? Please comment.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMy Choosingdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Lost in the dark,
    Pain has left tormenting scars.
    Damage leaving behind hidden marks.

    I thought you could rescue me,
    I thought you were my friend.
    But now I see you with a new clarity.

    The pain I once felt,
    it has come back full force times ten.
    And underneath it I crumble, I melt.

    I feel the urge to succumb to my need,
    the cold metal touches my arm.
    My pain, destroys me, my enemies, watch me,
    on my pain you feed.

    I become to busy to notice how much blood I'm loosing,
    oh well.
    It's my life, I'll do as I please, according to my choosing.




    Submitted on 2004-09-26 16:33:51     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      this is such a painful write... even though as you say its your life and youll live it how you want i can kinda hear faint "save me's" in the background...
    'I feel the urge to succumb to my need,
    the cold metal touches my arm.
    My pain,destroy me, my enimes, watch me, on my pain you feed.'
    cutting is so seductive.. it makes me sad however i kinda think that the last line of this stanza doesnt quite work how it is but i am at a loss as to how it could work... it is a very vital line as it says SO much but im not sure it is written as sharply as it could... thats just my thoughts and im sorry i cant give any suggestion to show what i mean and you dont have to listen to a word i said... this is a good write
    | Posted on 2004-09-28 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      I am going to have to agree with Krissy on this. You are very talented, you dont need lesons from me, I need them from you :) hehe. Well this is a great poem.
    | Posted on 2004-09-27 00:00:00 | by Kera | [ Reply to This ]
      I really liked this poem because everyone will go through or has gone through pain like this. It is a really well written peice and I can't think of anything to improve it
    | Posted on 2004-09-26 00:00:00 | by sug90 | [ Reply to This ]
      The poem obviously fit the genre but it was a little obvious when it comes to the intent and that is something that should be shrouded in mystery and harder to unearth. There were a few misspellings. They are: enemies, too instead of to, losing. Also, full force times ten sounds a little like a video game chant and I think that perhaps that could become something a little more moving. When you describe the blade perhaps you could disguise the fact that it is a blade at all, because it made it all a little straight-forward. But all in all it was a good read and you had a very powerful ending.-Kenji (Feel free to look at anything of mine, I can always use another critic.)
    | Posted on 2004-09-26 00:00:00 | by Kenji Light | [ Reply to This ]
      First, Thanx for Commenting on PASSIONS LOST, I did change one thing on it...
    I like your poem as i like your other ones ...I thought it was easy to relate to and it was interesting...Easy to read with a first read...
    I also like it cuz alot of people like me can realte to it too...Well L8r..
    | Posted on 2004-09-26 00:00:00 | by medicated | [ Reply to This ]
      thisi is pretty cool...but i'd some images of you...at the beging and the end...or though out so you can see a kinda pergression...that would be cool with a pice like this...like make it jump around...like have a stanze...the decribe you face...than another stanza
    | Posted on 2004-09-26 00:00:00 | by milo stills | [ Reply to This ]


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