A siren screaming and a cloud by Paradox

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Submission Name: A siren screaming and a cloud dots

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Author:	Paradox
ASL Info:	25/m/Earthbound
Elite Ratio:	3.98 - 520/313/58
Words:	139

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	367
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	914

Description:
A siren screaming and a cloud of moths

This is for Learah, a mermaid, washed out on the Dublin shore, who once asked why my poems never rhyme

A siren screaming and a cloud dots

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I wish to confess my darkest sin
I actually like those moments in-between
Spin, spin, spin my poor old head
The monster screams under the bed
And the lamplight flickers on the wall
He is dead, he won't save us all
Ball of passion and deep pain
Shivers cutting through my brain
Rain of darkness with dead flies
Dying stars fuel my burning eyes
Lies, lies, lies I've heard enough
It gets harder to stay tough
Rough teeth chew on my soul
Never reaching that infamous goal
Roll, roll, roll my vain desires
On top of wish filled tires
Aspires he who eats illusion
Empty dreams and utter confusion
A conclusion's hard to find
Too many whispers in my mind
Glide, glide, glide over dark thoughts
A siren screaming and a cloud of moths

Submitted on 2004-09-27 13:11:34 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  hah- most definitely reminds me of a nightmare... a roiling one filled with pitch black emotion. *ah well*

a couple of places are rough (i can tell where you tried to smooth out the meter), but the diction pushes out any sour thoughts. rhymes? who needs 'em? they screw up the meter in the end!

i love your opening line- it spins wonderfully into the rest of the poem. have you written any books? it seems that you'd have a great knack for it with the intense imagery that you use.
| Posted on 2005-06-08 00:00:00 | by EmeraldJealousy | [ Reply to This ]
  I really like this, I like the repetition of the verbs and the way they share phonics with the last word of the line before.

I DON'T know what it's about, if it's metaphorical, but that's okay as the main theme is exciting enough :)

"Rain of darkness with dead flies
Dying stars fuel my burning eyes"

I just love those lines... it's dark and light... live up to your name, oh paradoxical one!

Yes, this is excellent and you should do more of them... but sneak em out occasionally to keep us on our toes!

And thanks for the mermaid! I like that!
| Posted on 2004-09-27 00:00:00 | by Learah | [ Reply to This ]
  The key to reading this piece for me was to read it slowly and to its natural beat (i read it quickly once over and it didn't make much sense but it came together nicely during my second reading.) I like how the entire poem builds on itself, forming a coherent story with an ending. i also really like your choice of words and just the way you constructed your lines. It's all very well written. I only felt that it may have been easier to read if you broke it up into stanzas (near the lines that start with "lies, lies, lies..." and "roll, roll, roll...") That would break up the weight of the words into lighter sections that are easier to digest. All in all, nice work; I enjoyed reading it.
| Posted on 2004-09-27 00:00:00 | by Memphis | [ Reply to This ]
  Great words! Really enjoyed this one. "Aspires he who eats illusion" is really cool. I like the rhymes...they're somewhat disjointedly perfect for the feel of the poem. I enjoy also how you don't just blatantly say what this poem is about...it becomes the readers responsibility to find meaning...that way it becomes more personal. It's interesting
"Roll, roll, roll my vain desires
On top of wish filled tires". I first read this and thought about drugs...but you use "vain" and not "vein"...so that ended up having a double mean (intended or not) to me. Good...You seem like a real creative writer.
| Posted on 2004-09-27 00:00:00 | by marysunshine | [ Reply to This ]

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