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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: You May Be King...dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: _proper_noun_
    ASL Info:    20/m/OK
    Elite Ratio:    5.39 - 106/87/23
    Words: 131
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Love
    Total Views: 420
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 889



    Description:
       This is about being the only one in control of your life, and being a strong, hard person. It may be your life, but, eventually, you'll want to share it with somebody.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsYou May Be King...dots
    -------------------------------------------


    If there was a mask,
    Under which you could hide,
    From the world and all it's pain,
    How often would you go inside?

    If there were a house,
    Inside which you were safe,
    From everything but loneliness,
    Is it really that great of a place?

    I think that soon
    You'll see it like me,
    You'd be trading your life,
    Your life for more misery.

    A fortress of pain,
    A castle of rot,
    One that won't go away,
    Whether you're dying or not.

    If you could build a wall,
    One taller than the world,
    You could trap us all outside,
    But we'd still know, you're all alone.

    In a fortress of pain,
    A castle of rot,
    One that won't go away,
    Whether you're dying or not.




    Submitted on 2004-09-28 17:10:32     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      some of the lines were obviously thrown in to rhyme. Try breaking away from the normal mold, sorta-speak. Bring something that hasn't been done, kind of like the message u did, but instead to the formatting. It'd help spice this up a ton to those that read this stuff for a living and whatnot, if u plan to get it published.
    | Posted on 2006-08-06 00:00:00 | by hybridsongwrite | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm undecided as to whether I like this as a song. I definitely like it as poetry but feel like the ideas are too complex in both sound and intensity. I think its a great theme, and as you say, once you know yourself, and have learned to make your wayin life, you want a partner to share the journey. Very nice flow and rhythm, great write,

    nansofast
    | Posted on 2005-01-27 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
      i dont know maybe im the oddball...but i really didnt like this as a song...and when i read the cloak part itr also reminded me of harry potter...lol...i like the write...but it as a song...?...eh...well its your song i guess...but its not even written in a song ...and it be extremly short unless you plan to repeat several lines or sing extremly slow..yeah thats a good idea...sing it extremly slow...wouldn't that be interesting..or have a really long guitar or drum solo...well besides the fact its a song i liked the write though...it wasa alright...purp
    | Posted on 2004-09-30 00:00:00 | by purplesun24 | [ Reply to This ]
      that was great. 9 out of 10 easily. every snza is really powerfull and it sounds like there is strong emotion in it. the flow of it seems a little choppy in places but its lyrics so it would depend on the music whether it would sound right. do you know what music you want with it? well anyways these are great lyrics. got a dark edge to it which i really like. good work Mr. Noun
    | Posted on 2004-09-30 00:00:00 | by nameless_nobody | [ Reply to This ]
      even though you said exactly what it was about i didn't see it but as most of your work it was an amazing and very well described peice but i just got confused by it but hey i like poems like that where even if you know the meaning it seems to mean something completely different to you well i won't say much more but keep writing josh
    love nat
    | Posted on 2004-09-29 00:00:00 | by Nataliah_Coffin | [ Reply to This ]
      i love the first stanza! if there was such a cloak, indeed! makes me think of the invisibility cloak in Harry Potter! well done. you've shown how hiding from the world only brings loneliness and pain in the end. a beautiful yet lonely fortress. good job! i wish i could hear the music that goes with it, for i am a musician too and it's hard to read a lyric without knowing the music. you done good, tho!
    | Posted on 2004-09-28 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
      This really looks like a nice peace of lyrics, tough i would like to see it with more lenght and some notes or tabs in it so i could really dig into it. So if ya have some music into it please feel free to submit that to me and i'll ( and all of us ) get the better idea!
    | Posted on 2004-09-28 00:00:00 | by Rainmaker | [ Reply to This ]
      whoa.. this was one hella read. i love the darkness that was interviened here!.. it makes the reader continue to want to read. it sets new tones and ideas... all together it was an inspiration!.. this one retires to my favs... thanks for the read!
    | Posted on 2004-09-28 00:00:00 | by drkpoet | [ Reply to This ]
      That is really great. I can feel the emotion and how trapped this person feels. My only suggestion is to maybe add your thoughts on this. Where you got the idea? But that's just me. Hope I helped! Keep up the good work!
    | Posted on 2004-09-28 00:00:00 | by roses | [ Reply to This ]



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