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    dots Submission Name: As I Seedots

    Author: Belle De Jour
    ASL Info:    24/Female/Inside
    Elite Ratio:    3.79 - 335/367/53
    Words: 44
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 1043
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 263

       THIS POEM IS MEANT TO BE SHORT, so please do not tell me to make it longer, critique what is before you, not what you want to be there.
    Thank you

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAs I Seedots

    My stomach keeps on turning from the yearning
    which is created by you, my dear.
    I must unplug myself from your electric rush,
    your lightning bolts have kept me going for far too long.

    Please, my dear, let me go, I must.

    Submitted on 2004-09-30 00:05:22     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Actually, I had noticed your absence. Hadn't seen posts or comments from you much lately, although I certainly don't get through the whole site. So I came, I read your journal, and then I read this. This poem almost sounds like it could have been addressed to the site, or those of use assembled here. Well, your other pursuits must come first I suppose, and glad to know you'll be around, even if less often.
    And I'm pretty sure the poem wasn't written to us, but wanted to point that out,
    Good luck with all,
    | Posted on 2004-11-10 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ]

    1 to 2 lines - This is not a poem it's barely a though your mother is ashamed!

    3 to 5 lines - Way too short to be accepted into the guild of distinguished poets. What were you thinking when you wrote that incomplete sentence fragment?

    6 to 7 lines - We can see your trying to lengthen your poem with big words like "encyclopedia" but your veneer is wearing thin. Keep practicing!!! Practice makes perfect!!!!;)

    8 to 10 lines - Hey now, hey now! I like your style , do you come here often?

    11 and over - get off your soapbox. We've heard it all before. It stops being artr and starts being ridiculous after 10 lines preacher. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

    Oh wait a minute my antagonistic sidekick has something to say.....

    (kam clears throat)

    um yeah,

    hey rachel,

    I thought this was a cool poem. I know someone else mentioned it already but I too likes the "electric rush" line. It was almost climatic. I guess thats fitting sense it was right there in the middle. Giving some room for a finish. I note a change in pitch for you as a poet. You seem to be evolving into a new form. Great. I can't waiti to see where you end up. Always very exciting to read your work.
    | Posted on 2004-10-03 00:00:00 | by Mister Fizzle | [ Reply to This ]
      I hate "short and sweet." That comment annoys me to no end. It should be banned. Sometimes I'm brief and bitter, so I know exactly what you mean.

    I love the idea of unplugging (no hyphen) yourself from someone's electricity. That's clever. I think I'd say electricity over "electric rush" because it has the same impact. You misspelled lightning, and need a period at the end of three. I'd also shorten the last line to "Please, my dear, let me go."
    | Posted on 2004-09-30 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
      I hate it also when people always tell me to write more. sometimes it's all said with just a few lines. anyway I've got only one suggestion and it's definitely not to make it any longer. it's the opposite I want to shorten it. shorten it by one word. leave out the last 'go'. I think that way the ending would be more powerful and you don't repeat this little word. I don't know how to describe that but in my opinion leaves you a simple 'I must' hanging. cause after that almost everything could come. I must go, I must stay, I must hate you, I must love you...
    but that's just me. it's your poem and up to you. great work anyway.
    | Posted on 2004-09-30 00:00:00 | by eve1684 | [ Reply to This ]
      At last... a fellow 'short piece writer'... I adore short pieces and this one is very graphic and well put together. To add anything to it will take away the effect that you've created. Well done - I love it.
    | Posted on 2004-09-30 00:00:00 | by Beulah | [ Reply to This ]
      i don't think it's needs to be any longer.
    clarity is there as well as pure longing and heart felt passion at a loss. like the wires froze and severed the connection...
    very very well done, my what a good night at the site...go poets go...sorry
    your voice is a true talent and I thank you for sharing this awsome 'short' poem
    | Posted on 2004-09-30 00:00:00 | by clay | [ Reply to This ]
      WoW... that was an awesome visual. the way you compared, uhm... metaphores yea i think so, it was completly awesome.

    o and yea i hate it when people say make it longer or dont end it with one line.. or even, make it shorter!

    I love your last two lines!!

    "I must un-plug myself from your electric rush,
    your lightning bolts have keept me going for far too long."

    keep on writing its good stuff!
    | Posted on 2004-09-30 00:00:00 | by Maki | [ Reply to This ]

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