Description: This isn't new, but I thought I'd post SOMETHING. I might delete it because I don't like it very much.
A Sickness and a Drug -------------------------------------------
Your love is a disease,
both mental and physical.
It's chronic and there's no cure:
it's a brood of leeches
sucking me dry,
and it's like heroin
slowly killing my body and brain,
but it feels so good
that if I end up mindless or dead
I'll still be happy.
this describes that sick, addictive love that we can all, i think, relate to at one time or another. the leeches part gave me the creeps... made me think of that scene in "The African Queen,"... but that sick love is like that sometimes. someone that just sucks you dry and is so needy. this is very powerful and leaves one feeling drained. i'm not too sure about the last line, though, about being happy. perhaps another word would do better, like... hmmmm... gotta think on that a bit.
after the first 3 lines I though you would go on and on with the image of the disease. but it's good that you didn't. I think it would have got boring. anyway your comparisons fit. the heroin is not so original like you use to be but it's good. who says that you can't use that just because a few others already used it? you pack it nicely into the poem and wrap it into other images. the poem is not your best. but it's a good piece that's not worth to be deleted. keep it.
i like the way you express this. only nit is to delete unnecessary words. again, feel free to use it or lose it. :-)
Your love is a disease mental and physical – DELETE ‘BOTH’ chronic WITH no cure – DELETE ‘IT’S’, CHANGE ‘AND THERE’S’ TO ‘WITH’ a brood of leeches –DELETE ‘IT’S’ Sucking me dry. – ADD PERIOD like heroin – DELETE ‘AND IT’S’ Slowly killing body and brain – DELETE ‘MY’ But it feels so good if I end up – DELETE ‘THAT’ Mindless or dead I'll be happy
This piece is wonderful, but the transfer from the sickness to the drug was a little odd. I think that if you repeated "Your love" and then had "is like heroin," it would be a little more smooth. Maybe even a little more rhythmic.