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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Mood on Strings (revised)dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: cuddledumplin
    ASL Info:    36/ f/UK
    Elite Ratio:    4.08 - 6269/5927/526
    Words: 39
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 624
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 236



    Description:
       


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    dotsMood on Strings (revised)dots
    -------------------------------------------


    You lift my mood
    as if it were on marionette strings.
    If only you were here now
    and could play tug of war
    with gravity when it sucks me into gloom,
    when I'm unable to cheer myself.





    Submitted on 2004-10-01 16:35:57     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      I wouldn't mind having someone pull my moodstrings sometimes... maybe not. Self control seems more desirable. Nice image.
    | Posted on 2004-10-05 00:00:00 | by Lelik | [ Reply to This ]
      this is great! using the marionette strings to pull you up when the gravity is bringing you down... brilliant! this poem, for me, would be to God, 'cause i believe He is the ultimate puppetmaster anyway... well, not exactly, because we do have free will. but when i'm feeling this weighted down, i usually pray to Him and he pulls out those strings and lifts me up, most of the time! great work!
    | Posted on 2004-10-03 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
      I think it's f ucking beautiful. "With gravity when sucks me into gloom." There is no better parapharse for that. Perhaps you caught me in the mood, and this i s no better than anything else, but for now, it is.
    | Posted on 2004-10-02 00:00:00 | by Black Rock Tractor | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the comparison in this. Pulling you up when gravity seems to pull you down. I don't know what toilet thing they are talking about, I guess you took it out. LoL Overall nice job. :)
    -blt
    | Posted on 2004-10-02 00:00:00 | by borderlinetears | [ Reply to This ]
      this is a really good piece. but I can't stop after that (the pop up) so I have to nit pick on something (you always just leave so little details to criticize). you've got two if- clauses right after another. I know they have nothing to do with each other, but it's kind of a repetition. a suggestion:

    you lift my mood
    like a puppeteer his marionettes (on strings)

    don't know if you need this 'on strings' when you write about marionettes. I think you could as well leave it out cause marionettes are the ones on strings, that's clear. but I tried to maintain your string image. anyway it's just a suggestion. and the two if-clauses are such a minor detail you could as well let them as they are.
    | Posted on 2004-10-02 00:00:00 | by eve1684 | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow. This reminds me of this crush I've had on my friend for over a year. Whenever he ignores me, I'm in a really bad mood but whenever he talks to me, I'm really happy. That shouldn't happen, but whatever.

    This is very relatable. Nice work.

    -emo.
    | Posted on 2004-10-01 00:00:00 | by emo-tastic | [ Reply to This ]
      This is the quintessential cop-out. Keep it short and thus no explanation required.
    And diary.
    A short diary.
    Me me me.
    Amy this is trite and vacuous because you've foreshortened the longest emotions.
    You can't effectivelyproperlyconvincingly say and do what you need to say and do in 6 lines.
    Christ, the ideas, as ever, are crystal but you have not articulated the inner grind.
    Never mind.

    And no punctuation as guides at the end of lines and each one starting with a cap and I'm quietly assured that you're in a hall with demons.
    Gloves?
    Gumshield.
    K
    | Posted on 2004-10-01 00:00:00 | by Awkward | [ Reply to This ]
      Heya Ames,

    I like this, I like the idea of the marionette puppets and would like to see it ending on a note pertaining to that theme. "Cheer myself" really feels unfinished, especially without a full stop or anything. When I read this I was expecting something along the lines of how your smile is as bright and gaudy and as falsely painted as that of a puppet, when you are alone. I think something like that would tie it up nicely.

    I didn't see the toilet flush line and I don't want to. I can safely say I wouldn't have liked it! I think "sucks me into gloom" is as good as anything, because the "u" in "suck" and similar "oo" in "gloom", well, they're very maudlin, blue words aren't they?

    Hope I offered something,
    Lea
    | Posted on 2004-10-01 00:00:00 | by Learah | [ Reply to This ]
      I agree...toilet flush doesn't seem to work. Wish I could think of something else to use, but I can't. Good one though. -Megan-
    | Posted on 2004-10-01 00:00:00 | by PolaroidMemory | [ Reply to This ]
      very nice. emotional support is so like this. i really like the tug of war against gravity. i cringe to think that this could break the strings, since a marrionette seems more fragile.
    | Posted on 2004-10-16 00:00:00 | by jdinning67 | [ Reply to This ]


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