Simple Sway by clay

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Submission Name: Simple Sway dots

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Author:	clay
ASL Info:	35/F/B.C.
Elite Ratio:	5.68 - 730/592/66
Words:	113

Class/Type:	Poetry/Longing
Total Views:	403
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	797

Description:

Simple Sway dots

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Days of dancing
in shadows
can’t come too soon
lingering caresses
from light of the moon
have left me spent
too tired to try
getting over
and under
the reasons why
you left.

Do you still feel?
the constellations align
the pause
in time
the need to go
all out
yet keep it all in
shouting
upon deaf ears
living in sin
being the wonder
that you are...

because I miss you
and still see you that way
when i look to the sky
in a simple sway
i fall away
into the shadows
the dance that holds you
resides there
entranced forever.

Submitted on 2004-10-02 01:57:28 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
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||| Comments |||
  You paint a very vivid picture with your words. In my mind, that is the hallmark of a real poet.

Excellent stuff from you Clay.

Frank.
| Posted on 2007-02-07 00:00:00 | by Frank Maguire | [ Reply to This ]
  beautifully written. I usually like to see punctuation in a poem, however, your lines breaks were ample pauses in such a way that punctuation seemed unneccesary. This was a heartfelt piece, and much unlike alot of the lost love pieces that I have read in here, was not hokey or trite sounding.

I especially like the following stanza:

because I miss you
and still see you that way
when i look to the sky
in a simple sway
i fall away
into the shadows
the dance that holds you
resides there
entranced forever.

These emotions are near to each of us at one time or another and can seem so natural. You have placed these words beautifully together to help the reader share in the

melancholy

of lonliness...

Now I'm wishing I had love...but no matter- it shall come

      eventually.

thanks for this.
-SS
| Posted on 2004-11-09 00:00:00 | by Stalking Sylvia | [ Reply to This ]
  I like this piece a lot. It found it a bit distracting at the end when you swiched the ryhme scheme out of the last stanza. I hopw my PM wasn't out of line; just speaking my mind. Any way the "way sway away at the end created a rocking/swaying feeling almost like lying in a hamock. I like all of the stanzas but the structure break was a bit out of place for me. I can deal with it rules were meant to be broken I suppose. I adore the getting over and under. Taking something normal and making it your own. Thanks for this read. peace
| Posted on 2004-11-27 00:00:00 | by shaman | [ Reply to This ]
  Clay this is so very lyrical and you have used good strong images to describe something that can be very fragile. The constellation and stars and moon are some what of a cliché but you found a way to word it so that it is something fresh and beautiful. nice job.
jan
| Posted on 2004-10-06 00:00:00 | by jaycee | [ Reply to This ]
  oh my.. how wonderful is this? i felt like the words were dancing with my soul. it was absolutely wonderful.. i cant seem to think.. i feel so lightheaded.. the poem had some sadness in it but the dance of the words just brought you to another plain.
~*~amber~*~
| Posted on 2004-10-05 00:00:00 | by rocknpoetrychik | [ Reply to This ]
  holy wow. this is truly gorgeous. Beautiful, delicate, with almost childish simplicity. I see the color rose with velvet, starry skies when I read this.

One lil mistake- the in the first stanza, to=too.

"getting over
and under
the reasons why
you left."
My favorite lines right there. I love your rhyming style too. I think I commented on your lyrical cadence before... you write with such a charming, feminine lilt! Me gusta mucho! But you incorporate loose, informal rhymes here and there throughout this piece, and it's really cute. It gives your writing a little feeling of traditional poetry, which adds a touch of class and makes me smile.

I lied earlier- these are my favorite lines:
"because I miss you
and still see you that way
when i look to the sky
in a simple sway
i fall away
into the shadows"

I felt this way for about 2 weeks in July (related writing: "pizza hut") and it hurt a lot. You've captured some of these feelings of longing and wanting, but you've made them seem beautiful. It's a great piece, definitely going on my favorites. Keep it up, I hope to read more like this!
| Posted on 2004-10-20 00:00:00 | by mixedemotions00 | [ Reply to This ]
  P.S. Neat-o photo!

La dee da... takin' up space...
Are you a big music fan? If you are, see if you can get your hands on any music by The Spill Canvas. They're still a pretty underground band from here in South Dakota actually, but they're awesome. Your writing reminds me of their song style.
| Posted on 2004-10-20 00:00:00 | by mixedemotions00 | [ Reply to This ]
  All the imagery! It's so sad, beautifull even. It's bittersweet, ya' know, the way you talk about what you miss, what you had, and the way you speak of his leaving makes it so sad.Another winner, keep up the good work clay!
Camoflage
| Posted on 2004-10-30 00:00:00 | by camoflage | [ Reply to This ]

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