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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Our Treedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Leila
    ASL Info:    19/female/South Africa
    Elite Ratio:    4.23 - 98/85/18
    Words: 165
    Class/Type: Poetry/Romance
    Total Views: 372
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 1165



    Description:
       The life stages of relationships . . .


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOur Treedots
    -------------------------------------------


    I remember the day we planted our tree.
    A delicate seedling, to be moulded,
    in our erotic uncertain hands.
    There was so much effort then.
    Water, fertiliser, love and sun;
    whatever it craved or desired
    was thrust upon it without qualm.
    Slowly it matured before our eyes,
    growing with every kiss,
    maturing with every promise.
    It grew so tall, alomost shaking hands
    with the light-giving sun.
    Each precious green leaf a sentiment,
    each crooked branch a delightful memory.
    But light became shadow,
    love became an evanescent rainbow
    with no rain to quench the thirsty
    wants of our tree.
    Our relinquished, tired hands
    surrendered our spades and buckets of water,
    as hope faded through our fingers
    like the fertilised soil that nourished our tree.
    Rapidly it perished before our eyes,
    the brown leaves falling one by one,
    the weak branches reduced to dust.
    I mourned at the grave
    of our decomposing tree.
    It had such potential to flourish,
    and touch the sun to ringing bells.




    Submitted on 2004-10-02 12:20:33     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I have so far noticed 2 pomes that are similiar to mine that I have not poseted yet one to do with a volcano the other a love story called the vine and the tree.
    So far I am so able to relate to these. You displayed an elequant relationship using the metophore of a tree. With great possibilities even has a ring or truth about it's trunk to a sun's perspective decree. None the less you drove it home. Sorry about how the tree came apart before your eyes and opened heart. Well respected in your honesty.
    Well in liking to a tree I shall now take my leave.


    Sincerly Gannondalf aka Big Bear
    | Posted on 2006-05-03 00:00:00 | by Gannondalf | [ Reply to This ]
      I really could relate to the emotion of this piece and gradual ascension and descension. The main thing that kinda threw me off was the very last lines "It had such potential to flourish,
    and touch the sun to ringing bells." What did "touch the sun to ringing bells." mean? Besides that, it's lovely...
    | Posted on 2004-10-02 00:00:00 | by Sunray | [ Reply to This ]
      this is more prose then a poetic write, however it is fabulous, I enjoyed it immensely, and you are very talented, Hope to read more of your work, I love trees and have actually wondered could we live without them. Someone said to me once, stop to smell the roses, and I've been fascinated with nature ever since, nicely done...Bob:)...fertilized
    | Posted on 2004-10-02 00:00:00 | by poetryman | [ Reply to This ]
      oh! a lovely comparison to trees and love, and how true, for both do on occasion perish.
    I like the comparison and lesson from it
    | Posted on 2004-10-02 00:00:00 | by max | [ Reply to This ]
      Um. . . there's a lot of really good stuff here but I think you would benefit to working on it so that it was no longer in first person. I'm not entirely sure how you should go about that, but it would help a lot. Also, work on your line breakage. Such as, don't do this:

    with no rain to quench the thirsty
    wants of our tree.

    but do this:

    with not rain to quench
    the thirty needs of our tree.

    Something like that. The little things are what help. Good write!
    -Secret
    | Posted on 2004-10-02 00:00:00 | by secret moon | [ Reply to This ]



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