Sign up to EliteSkills

Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

Rising Shield

Author: Suven7
ASL Info:    20 female Fla
Elite Ratio:    7.08 - 478 /260 /47
Words: 173
Class/Type: Poetry /Dark
Total Views: 1267
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1165


Cut in length (with the original version in Ari Leukos' page), I hope to hear thoughts from readers who are not intimidated by an art's length. I wonder which side is more pathetic...

Rising Shield

O, how cold
Rattling a spirit that once was bold
Frigid air seeping into my bones
Living in a body someone now owns
Forbidding shield of dark fathomless eyes
Behind them an eternal pool of tears she cries

Open your soul and let flow this rain
A protection naught but this flowing mane
Bath yourself in a lifetime's truth
Light that should cleanse this charred youth
The forbidding shield of dark fathomless eyes
Yet behind them is a promise of a flame to rise

O, how warm
Silky dew after yesterday's storm
Trickling through a body that once was hers
Recognizing the shadow that now is yours
Forbidding shield of those darkened eyes
Behind them brew a thousand lies

Attemps to reconcile with a forgotten name
There's no shame in failing to grasp your rightful claim
Nothing but a fragment, still you sought her out
Yet heeded the whispers of your own heart's doubt
Forgive the fathomless sins of our eyes
Fear not the encounter of another devious guise.

Submitted on 2004-10-02 23:17:15     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!


  Very descriptive piece. The rhyming was spot on in this, not forced at all, which is rare to come by.

I liked your repetition of this line every fifth line of each stanza -
Forbidding shield of dark fathomless eyes
- It worked well and wasn't tiring to read over, in my opinion.

The short lines on the first and third stanzas were nice too - the symmetry of it, I mean.

And this line -
Silky dew after yesterday's storm
- Caught me. I loved it.

Just on little typo on the word 'attempts', that's all. But overall, this was a soothing piece to read, for some reason. *Claps*

Well, that was my critique. Just opinions really, not much of one, I know lol

*Butterflies and Hurricanes*

| Posted on 2005-07-09 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
  All right, this poem just put in perspective the ending of the relationship I had before my current one. I felt as if he was stripping away my soul and taking me over. The whole poem eerily reflects to the line how I felt. It is beautifully written, flows perfectly, and I can identify immensely. You bring someone into your life, they try to take you over, to change you, you lose yourself, you lose control. A storm rages, warmth and reality seep back into you, and you slowy, but not entirely, regain what you had lost. However, you retain enough courage, or what some people deem as stupidity, to fall in love again. Yep, my story exactly. Wow, that is so canny. Good work! Very good...
| Posted on 2004-10-02 00:00:00 | by eener | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?