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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Blahdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Raksha
    ASL Info:    16/female
    Elite Ratio:    2.45 - 75/67/29
    Words: 73
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 308
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 457



    Description:
       I do not really like this piece much...but I am having writers block and this is just what came...I am just trying to get out of writers block.I want to improve this piece more somehow, I just don't know how to right now.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBlahdots
    -------------------------------------------


    The sun may shine,
    but the world isn't bright,
    and the worst isn't over.
    We got the bums on the street,
    and the wack job government.
    Shitting on each other,
    you did this and you said that.
    They say no money, you got no game.
    No game, no fame.
    Haters hate more
    and lovers love less.
    But the sun still shines,
    and the moon does rise.
    But too soon do we die.




    Submitted on 2004-10-03 07:35:47     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      this is a nice poem.. but i can sorta tell you were in a writers block.. when i read it, it sounded like you were struggling cuz its a bit choppy in my opinion.. then again you got your point across.. if you tried to put a point across anyways.. i spotted one anyways. but i think it should be a little bit longer... its skipping from one fact to another to quick... there are a little more things you could add to it then again... it'll be a never ending list at how the world is so [censored]ed up.
    | Posted on 2004-10-03 00:00:00 | by nameless child | [ Reply to This ]
      hey! this poem was pretty cool! i like ur form of writing and the flow was quite good. i agree with juss_kriss but overall! i like the whole concept behind this poem.. how everything seems to be shining and 'bright' on the exterior but deep down.. there are problems.. and corruption.. and uh.. all the other sh*t. NICE WRITE! u say u dont like this piece eh?? u must be a tough critic! :P
    | Posted on 2004-10-03 00:00:00 | by Krypton3 | [ Reply to This ]
      Hmm. cool poem. but i'm juss gonna give my opinion for a sec. I think in the line "but the world ain't bright", you should drop the ain't. the ain't kinda ruins the whole poem. Change it to isn't or something like that. Well anyways, nice poem! Lol. Kriss
    | Posted on 2004-10-03 00:00:00 | by juss_kriss | [ Reply to This ]
      Short, sweet, to the point. You wrote tremendously using few words. *smattering of applause* I'm loving everything I'm reading tonight. It's like a breath of fresh air!
    | Posted on 2004-10-24 00:00:00 | by BCute | [ Reply to This ]



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