Description: This is just something I was thinking about. . . some of my thoughts about a certain guy. . . confused would definitely sum up my feelings for him. . . sigh. . . I'm sorry if the codes for italics come up not as italics but as just a bunch of dumb letters. Please feel free to give me suggestions.
Dare I Ask? -------------------------------------------
tattered ribbons that enclose
gifts of tentative smiles
and hesitant glances
Who are you?
and from that question rises another:
Who am I?
of tears fallen
again. . . please, no! No more pain
not you too. . .
a thin film of pyschedelic oil
encasing our hearts
beautiful walls entombing the truth
- which possibly is even more lovely, but
Will we ever know?
or do I dare ask
Might you love me?
and I wonder quietly
do you ask yourself the same?
I would have to say, this poem... is not to my taste and I don't like it. I think that you're imaginative, descriptive and eloquent, but felt this piece is lacking in some areas that do need attention.
There have been a glut of formatted posts of late and the style has now become something widely regarded upon the site as passe, a cliché or trend. I would think a formatted poem would need enormous Oomph! factor to really break the mould or stop readers in their tracks now. As is it, this has intervening italics and indents... like many others on the site. A goal to using formats would be to find a method as yet undiscovered. The subject is rather woeful which kind of grates on my nerves, it's a very intense tone and I makes me think of a desperate lover who'd pull on clothing, begging for love... Maybe it's me and my life that moulds that interpretation... I don't like many of the words that you wrote because they don't make sense, abstractions, the bane of my poetic life. Something that sounds marvellous but if examined, don't make sense. Like "the velvet sky" or "tattered ribbons that enclose / gifts of tentative smiles". How can ribbons, tattered or not, enclose smiles? Ribbons are just strips of cloth, we can't tie them round our mouth... I understand that there's emotion to evoke and think that the vocabulary you use is beautiful. You have a love of words and your work reflects this, for the pictures you paint are very pretty. But I think it would be an idea to concentrate more on meshing the words with clear thought... Readers need the background detail when it comes to love poetry, I think... it's such a tricky area. You have chosen to write something in a diary style that your readers will not really understand. Because they are not you and do not know what circumstances made you write the piece. There should be something for people to relate to, so that they may have spent their time and thought reading more than just a poet's venting of feelings. The love of reading in all genres, poetry, prose, plays, boils down to escapism. I think that one of a writer's challenges is to make everything tie up, explain itself. It's weird to think that everything we show the world is like a slice of our life for others to live.
So I didn't enjoy this, felt it was too much of a lament and it didn't capture my attention. I got a bit bored along the lines as its very like something I've read before. So I didn't enjoy that but I think you are an interesting writer all the same. Abstractions are a difficult ground, unavoidable at times I think. Cleaning up the first stanza, reconsidering the format and perhaps overall tone of the piece would be my areas of suggestion. However that would be a pretty major overhaul, I don't know if you want to edit to that degree. I always try, myself, to keep suggestions in mind the next time I write something... learned a lot from the commenting system here at ES.
I hope you're all right with my critique, it's unusual really to be so torn on some areas as I was here but I think you've promise... I will read more posts of yours, though. Take it easy, Lea
If this is about fear of loving someone and confusion about his intentions, you did a great job conveying that. I especially like the first paragraph. I can picture literally a package wrapped with tattered ribbons (I picture red frayed velvet) and inside the smiles and glances. Great vivid wordery! Good write.
Is this poem about a fear of being loved by someone and the insecurities with it? A damaged person trying to do it again? The vivd wordery is great. I especially like the first paragraph. Wonderfully written.
nice this was beautiful. i love your words, the format...everything. i agree the works of the italics...geesh. lol. but yes, it fitted smoothly, and brought across the tone of the speaker. i'll be watchng for more.
Very nice little dreary/sordid love poem. Quite powerful in it's own fashion yet somewhat confusing just the same. As nice as the section in italics appeared, the moment came off to me as something almost hallucigenic (which I think kind of takes away from the seriousness.)
I'm gonna have to completely start stalking you. I can't really suggest any improvements, so i'll just say that i think this is wonderful. It's been a while since i've been in that position (just over a year with the greatest person ever!) and this was a pretty vivid flashback into a "does she - does she not?" kinda thing. Please, don't stop, keep it coming!
Beautiful! I thoroughly enjoyed reading your poem. First meetings are bad enough, even when not encumbered by painful memories, and knowing when to mention love is always difficult. Sad to say, there is no answer, except as your emotions dictate. Your poem illustrates this dilemma poetically and with vivid clarity. I like the varying font style of the "Memories". It is a unique and powerful approach. To me the most powerful lines are the last two. In line six, should it not be "rises"? And finally, dare I ask, should the word "Unsurety" be Uncertainty or Unsureness? A very beautiful, easy to read, well structured, unique and powerful poem. A joy to read. Loved it!
this is good. i got lost at first but io eventually got it on the second try reading lol (im a bit slow today). ill say you wrote this is in a different way than anyone else would have lol...you used interesting lines and words.but thats probably what made it good bren
Your title drew me in. I like this more than some of your other pieces. I did enjoy the structure very much. My favorite lines being "the gifts of tentative smiles" & a thin flims of psychadelic oils. That's the way it's written. I was wondering did you mean "Thin films of psychadelic oil" or "a thin Film of psychedelic oil? I think that several words could be eliminated for lines that are a bit stronger. In the first stanza drop the "the from the sencond and third line. I would pull the "and hesitant glances right up next to tenative smiles. Drop the "and" from "and from that ? rises another" 2nd stanza 7th line drop the or from " or do I dare ask?" 2nd to last line drop the and. We find ourselves using these extra word, but the don't add meaning. I can definately relate to this My last three years have been like this. Different girls, same feelings. One we actually both vocalized it. My current situation we were both vocal about it, but we haven't made much of a move in any dirrection. I hope the feeling is return. Thanks for sharing. Peace
I have to say, I haven't read anything like this before, the structure is new to me and sounded like a conversation, and to me, that helps get the innocence of the situation you're trying to get across more easily. Good write!
I really like this. How in the world do you get italics? I really want to be able to have that kinda stuff in my poem, I never really got to ask Girl In the Photo and she always set hers up so NICELY! Anyways, about the poem. I really enjoyed it, just because I can relate to it so much. Good luck, things will work out I promise! -Andrya