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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Underwaterdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: JimweiZERO
    Elite Ratio:    5.38 - 1500/844/80
    Words: 247
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Longing
    Total Views: 1342
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1707



    Description:
       I hope to write an almost opposite piece in reply to this, so a few comments wouldn't be unreasonable would they? Does anyone feel the same? It's about being rejected by someone special to you.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsUnderwaterdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Don't you know
    I feel the same way now
    As I did back then,
    Somehow though
    You never worked out how
    Or even found out when...

    My world collapsed
    And fell apart
    When you had
    A change of heart,
    Though I see you
    Like before
    Something's hiding
    Something more.

    I want you
    I need you
    I've lived my life to see you,
    I'm waiting
    You're fading
    I feel I'm suffocating here...

    You went ahead and threw me in
    To see if I would sink or swim,
    Well I can't hold my breath for long
    And maybe I was in the wrong,
    When I said I wouldn't give in.

    Have you ever
    Looked at me even once
    When you passed my way,
    Well I never
    Waited for all these months
    Just to hear you say...

    It doesn't matter
    It's the end
    So carry on
    Without a friend,
    Stop your dreaming
    And just walk on
    For now you see me
    Now I'm gone.

    I want you
    I need you
    I've lived my life to see you,
    I'm waiting
    You're fading
    I feel I'm suffocating here...

    Stop and give me a second chance
    If not just cast me one last glance,
    So that I can look into those eyes
    And say my last silent goodbyes,
    As you leave me alone...

    I want you
    I need you
    I've lived my life to see you,
    I'm waiting
    You're fading
    I feel I'm suffocating here.




    Submitted on 2004-10-04 14:26:03     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      i really really liked this...seems like the kinda song i would be listening to on repeat these days. would love to hear this added to music...

    i especially liked:

    You went ahead and threw me in
    To see if I would sink or swim,

    well done

    -Nikki
    | Posted on 2006-01-17 00:00:00 | by stolie77 | [ Reply to This ]
      completly different from "breathing". interesting. liked this one. had a nice sad dark deep side to it.

    I feel I'm suffocating here...

    liked how you kep reapting it. most people might get annoyed but it went the words before it nicely. never do your words seem lyrical too me. haha. dont know why but i find them to be simply poetic words. poetry words. not lyrics. dont know. but it was lovely.

    -soomie
    | Posted on 2005-04-14 00:00:00 | by poeticblindness | [ Reply to This ]
      overall this is very good. a little off in rhythm in a couple of places but otherwise a very heartfelt pleading to someone you care about very much. it would make an excellent song if that is your intention. have to agree with you on the site having changed. too many bad teenage poets who want only gratification, no criticisms and have no time for others. but there are some good old timers still around. keep up the good work.
    | Posted on 2005-03-10 00:00:00 | by sierramuse8 | [ Reply to This ]
      I know you probably didn't mean for it to relate like this. But, these lines hit me:

    You went ahead and threw me in
    To see if I would sink or swim,
    Well I can't hold my breath for long
    And maybe I was in the wrong,
    When I said I wouldn't give in.

    For some reason it just reminded me of my Late Boyfriend. I...it just..hit home for some reason and is going to the favorites. Good write.
    ~BCute
    | Posted on 2004-12-08 00:00:00 | by BCute | [ Reply to This ]
      Yup this is really good, and btw, this made it clear you were talking about suffocating...you said that word over and over again...The lyrics sound really good, now all ya' need is some music to go with it, lol.
    Camoflage
    | Posted on 2004-11-14 00:00:00 | by camoflage | [ Reply to This ]
      the message is clear, and you can tell it's lyrics just by reading it. i don't know...i want to say it's juvenile in some spots, but as a whole it was an easy read. keep writing.

    -christina.
    | Posted on 2004-11-14 00:00:00 | by cre_dia | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this piece. It has depth to it. You begin the song by telling this person how you felt and acted yet they didn't see. The ending was good because you sort of closed it. You wanted one last glance just to say goodbye to the love that never was recipriocated. (spelling?) I really enjoyed this piece and I hope you are finding closure as the ending suggests that you have.
    -blt
    | Posted on 2004-10-10 00:00:00 | by borderlinetears | [ Reply to This ]
      I would be the person in this song suffocating.
    Even though he doesnt know how I still feel, I can compare to this song so well. It would be an AMAZING song.
    I wish I could sing. and be famous. BECAUSE This would be my song. It would be famous also.
    haha
    -Andrya
    | Posted on 2004-10-10 00:00:00 | by andrya | [ Reply to This ]
      this one is somehow so sad. well i am feeling kinda sad right now. ahh i dont know why. well i think i know who is this about, but i'm not sure. this one is so touching. i agree with minstrel so many great lines over here. the apathy by the person in this piece really generates sympathy from the reader. great work. really i had the same experience once, this girl and i were friends for two years but i asked her out and she said no. i got the cold shoulder from her for at least 3 months while i was still recovering. she never even looked at me... anyways we're friends again... so doesn't matter, and ithink that the second piece could have you getting over the whole episode. but yeah dude hang in there, you dont have to think that you're useless cause you're not. not at all...

    see ya around.

    Zu
    | Posted on 2004-10-08 00:00:00 | by Zu | [ Reply to This ]
      Yup. So many great lines...especially one about the sinking or swimming part. But this one takes the cake:
    "Stop your dreaming
    And just walk on
    For now you see me
    Now I'm gone"
    That made me smile when I read that. Anyway, I can totally relate to this write. I was had a girlfriend, my first one actually, a few years ago and I was totally head over heels for her. She was the same way but then over time it just kinda fizzled. I was still hurting but she moved right on. I'd see her every so often and she wouldn't say a thing to me...like nothing that happened ever really mattered. But no experience in life are bad...the ones that seem that way are learning experiences. Besides, if i was still going out with the evil skank, I wouldn't have the wonderful gf i have now. So indeed, it all works out. This poem really reminded me of all that and captured those feelings rather well.

    As for the opposite piece, maybe just write one about how you moved on or something. That's probably what I'd do. Then again, I'm sure you have something else in mind so go for it!
    ~Aaron
    | Posted on 2004-10-07 00:00:00 | by MusingMinstrel | [ Reply to This ]
      Hm. Well its a pretty poem and would make for pretty lyrics in the right song. But through the whole thing I can only think the two completely conflicting thoughts of 'she's not (ever) worth it' and 'teenage love has gotta be the most exciting thing in life'
    shard
    | Posted on 2004-10-05 00:00:00 | by particularshard | [ Reply to This ]
      These lyrics are just as good as the one you posted in your journal! And the beauty of your lyrics is that it can work with practically any type of music. As for the messege itself, heartfelt it is. Don't worry about it man, i've felt what you've been through. I'm looking foward to your opposite response to this piece
    | Posted on 2004-10-05 00:00:00 | by Aken Sol | [ Reply to This ]
      this would be an excellent song. it has a great flow and rhythmn to it i can hear a beat in my head already. i've felt this way so many times before, and its a horrible feeling. but sometimes you have to move on and forget about that person, try and live your life the best you can. good luck and good job
    -steph
    | Posted on 2004-10-04 00:00:00 | by playcrackthesky | [ Reply to This ]
      well i can say you've done a good job saying how you feel here james! especially since this is a song! how long was your relationship with this person??? i really hope you cheer up! i hate seeing people so depressed.
    smile you've got french's! lol
    bren
    | Posted on 2004-10-04 00:00:00 | by Day DreaMeR | [ Reply to This ]
      I gather that this poem is about a relationship that ended without closure or the one person needing space from the other or just wanting to be friends. That feeling of wanting and needing someone that you can't have is one of the most difficult things to endure. I have been on both sides of that situation and neither side is easy. Overall I really enjoyed this poem. Great Job.
    | Posted on 2004-10-04 00:00:00 | by J-Renee | [ Reply to This ]
      Actually, I'm ashamed to say that I probably was the one doing the dumping once or twice years ago...although, it was JR High School stuff...nothing real involved...the ones that broke up with me did so because I wouldn't sleep with them...pretty clear, leaving no doubt of anything meaning any more than it did once my eyes were opened and the lesson learned...

    I wonder though... what would the message be of a piece written to be opposite of this one...I'm glad you left me because I can't stand you? It would be interesting to see what you come up with
    | Posted on 2004-10-04 00:00:00 | by Emerging Soul | [ Reply to This ]
      I envision this being sung with an acoustic guitar. It was very nice, I couldn't stop reading it. Yearning for the love of your life. Not a good feeling and well depicted here.
    | Posted on 2004-10-04 00:00:00 | by Cayman | [ Reply to This ]
      i'm trying to figure out who you are talking about but i can't.is it your conception of god or even aliens?it was a well done poem but i can't figure it out.well done.good luck and fare well.
    | Posted on 2004-10-04 00:00:00 | by sickly | [ Reply to This ]
      I love it. Some things are just simple that way. It touches something in me, maybe because it feels like something I've felt once. I'm commenting on the Underwater submission, but since this is my first post let's hope it turns up where I intended. Keep up the good work. :)
    | Posted on 2004-10-21 00:00:00 | by ParaGridD | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a very well written beautiful poem! I love the title "Underwater" and the repeated reference to suffocation! It is awesome. This is so heartfelt, sincere and yet so sad. It reminds me of someone in my past and feelings that I felt. It was indeed a very hard time in my life and this poem just states it brilliantly! You have a wonderful talent for writing and expression and I know when I visit your page that I can always find something lovely to read! Thanks and take care! This is great!
    Lorna
    | Posted on 2005-07-25 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]


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