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    dots Submission Name: You're My Reason[revised]dots

    Author: Damien Vladimir
    ASL Info:    28/m/hollywood/Ca
    Elite Ratio:    3.84 - 122/89/35
    Words: 93
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 873
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 610


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsYou're My Reason[revised]dots

    i thought i'd write to say
    that since yesterday,
    my love for you has grown.

    you have felt the same
    you have felt the change,i know now
    as tear express the showdown.

    please just listen to me
    i would like to be,
    your everything, and more if you let me
    and will adore the days you give me.

    So baby,
    please stay forever near
    with you i have no fears,
    my years i'd love to share, the seasons
    as i exist, and you're the reason.

    Submitted on 2004-10-05 04:40:40     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I think that the structure of this was well thought out with different phrases being the start of every stanza. However, I do think that a little more structure could be shown within the stanzas themsleves.

    The first two are okay with four lines in each and I think the second should rhyme in the same way as the first so maybe:

    You have felt the same
    When we went through all the change
    And tears expressed the showdown

    From then, I think that the stanzas should be the same as you did a great job with third with a constant rhyme schem throughout but maybe lose the repetition a bit with:

    Would you listen to me
    If I say I would like to be
    Your everything, and more if you let me
    And adore the days we'll see
    As I remember every kiss of ecstacy.

    Then, I think the fourth stanza loses the structure completely. It should be a constant rhyme throughout, like three (don't be afraid to challenge yourself) or have a more obvious rhyme scheme as I had to read it several times before I saw it. So maybe:

    So baby,
    Won't you stay forever near
    We'll have endless times
    When we lose all sense of fear
    And I know through every day
    And thoughout every season
    You will the one I love,
    Baby, you're my reason.

    Or something. Please don't get the wrong idea from this comment, I truly liked the content of this piece, its just the little things that can make a hell of difference, you know? Anyway, I hope I've helped...write on...
    | Posted on 2004-10-05 00:00:00 | by JimweiZERO | [ Reply to This ]
      that is really sweet! is it really about someone b/c if it is then you should really tell them about it. i loved the write -it was in a pattern...the first stanza-small- then each stanza got bigger till the end...you seem to know what your doing and you should keep it up...loved it!
    | Posted on 2004-10-05 00:00:00 | by sweet-fire | [ Reply to This ]

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