Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: You're My Reason[revised]dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Damien Vladimir
    ASL Info:    28/m/hollywood/Ca
    Elite Ratio:    3.84 - 122/89/35
    Words: 93
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 863
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 610



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsYou're My Reason[revised]dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Baby,
    i thought i'd write to say
    that since yesterday,
    my love for you has grown.

    Maybe,
    you have felt the same
    you have felt the change,i know now
    as tear express the showdown.

    darling,
    please just listen to me
    i would like to be,
    your everything, and more if you let me
    and will adore the days you give me.


    So baby,
    please stay forever near
    with you i have no fears,
    my years i'd love to share, the seasons
    as i exist, and you're the reason.




    Submitted on 2004-10-05 04:40:40     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I think that the structure of this was well thought out with different phrases being the start of every stanza. However, I do think that a little more structure could be shown within the stanzas themsleves.

    The first two are okay with four lines in each and I think the second should rhyme in the same way as the first so maybe:

    Maybe,
    You have felt the same
    When we went through all the change
    And tears expressed the showdown

    From then, I think that the stanzas should be the same as you did a great job with third with a constant rhyme schem throughout but maybe lose the repetition a bit with:

    Darling,
    Would you listen to me
    If I say I would like to be
    Your everything, and more if you let me
    And adore the days we'll see
    As I remember every kiss of ecstacy.

    Then, I think the fourth stanza loses the structure completely. It should be a constant rhyme throughout, like three (don't be afraid to challenge yourself) or have a more obvious rhyme scheme as I had to read it several times before I saw it. So maybe:

    So baby,
    Won't you stay forever near
    We'll have endless times
    When we lose all sense of fear
    And I know through every day
    And thoughout every season
    You will the one I love,
    Baby, you're my reason.

    Or something. Please don't get the wrong idea from this comment, I truly liked the content of this piece, its just the little things that can make a hell of difference, you know? Anyway, I hope I've helped...write on...
    | Posted on 2004-10-05 00:00:00 | by JimweiZERO | [ Reply to This ]
      that is really sweet! is it really about someone b/c if it is then you should really tell them about it. i loved the write -it was in a pattern...the first stanza-small- then each stanza got bigger till the end...you seem to know what your doing and you should keep it up...loved it!
    | Posted on 2004-10-05 00:00:00 | by sweet-fire | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    26791

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    A bit of Pain written by teika5
    The Abyss of Love written by poetotoe
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    Keep written by TheStillSilence
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    FamiliarDemons ©™ written by kyserin
    untitled written by Outlaw
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    Meaningless Meanings written by ForgottenGraves
    Loop-di-Loop written by endlessgame23
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    A Thousand Reflections written by endlessgame23
    Not the Devil, but the Wind written by endlessgame23
    Day 6 written by TheStillSilence
    Verse: written by Daniel Barlow
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    Live In Between written by teika5
    None the Wiser written by endlessgame23
    A Sense Of Things written by Daniel Barlow
    In a Corner written by jeniecel
    Adoration written by TheStillSilence
    Snippet written by Daniel Barlow
    Night- time written by Daniel Barlow
    Vortex: The Imagination That Is written by KeeperOfLight
    Johnny's Cock written by endlessgame23
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    Lie back & tan written by Daniel Barlow
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    Gaia written by endlessgame23

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry