Here on earth by Paradox

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Submission Name: Here on earth dots

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Author:	Paradox
ASL Info:	25/m/Earthbound
Elite Ratio:	3.98 - 520/313/58
Words:	66

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	417
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	401

Description:
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Here on earth dots

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Do you see her walking on the dead plane
You dreamed last night ?
Can you hear her sing a dreadful lullaby
While holding that dead infant at her cold breast ?
Can’t you smell her ash grey hair spreading darkness
Sterile odour bringing instant death ?
You’re eyes are missing !
You must have sold them for some more moments
Here on earth

Submitted on 2004-10-06 10:06:47 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
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||| Comments |||
  hmmm very thought provoking

'dreamt'...not dreamed...they're both correct but not in this line...to be pleasing to the eyes and ears...i dunno
and maybe instead of 'dead' infate... maybe 'limp' implies what you're trying to say just as well...
this is just me, i write fluff and stuff so what do i know.
good jod with discription and imagery...
creepy...and disturbing, which is what i think you were trying to get across so well done.
| Posted on 2004-10-06 00:00:00 | by clay | [ Reply to This ]
  This had too many repetitions of the words dead or death in it...while the content is all about that, definitely, there are different ways to describe the same thing. Words like mortality, lifeless, empty, void of breath...any kind of word-play that would make this more interesting and flowing...
| Posted on 2004-10-06 00:00:00 | by Emerging Soul | [ Reply to This ]
  obsessions with death are nothing new but i don't read them often on this site.even though there may have been something to this poem,i couldn't really fathom it other than literally which did not make sense to me.at least not yet.good luck and fare well.
| Posted on 2004-10-06 00:00:00 | by sickly | [ Reply to This ]
  I must say that this is quite thought provoking, and I imagine that you have seen alot of tragedy in your life time to be able to write this, it's very nicely done...Bob:)
| Posted on 2004-10-06 00:00:00 | by poetryman | [ Reply to This ]

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