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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Land of the Ravensdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Beast
    ASL Info:    24/ M/ Planet Earth
    Elite Ratio:    4.94 - 232/133/28
    Words: 247
    Class/Type: Prose/Venting
    Total Views: 310
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1269



    Description:
       I'm not sure if this is considered prose or poetry or just thoughts..so, bear with me...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLand of the Ravensdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Tell me old raven about no man’s land, tell me why red run the sand. But I told you that story before, about the man and his great war. But old raven I want to hear it once more! Ok little one, I’ll tell it again although it bothers me. Thanks old raven, I’ll listen carefully.

    This land was not always this way, for miles and miles you could see trees in the wind sway, the sand was as yellow as the gold, a paradise this land did hold, the sky was never this dark. You could see children play in the fields, having fun mixed with their innocent tears. This land was not always a scorched earth, once upon a time instead of the death there was life, instead of the pain there was joy, instead of the havoc there was peace…

    But what happened old raven? Little one; the man, he was responsible for all the damage that have been done, he and his guns. He started a war that lasted long, a foul war that its cause was all wrong, he claimed that his reason was salvation but his true agenda was annihilation. In the end there was nothing left, the war stole the life’s gift. No humans no trees no life at all, it looked like the sky will soon fall. And now all is left is us –the ravens- and that why it is called (Land of the Ravens).




    Submitted on 2004-10-07 14:53:43     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This was sad. But a very good story. A very good sad story. That about sums it up. The setting reminded me of one from a fantasy book, Eldest of the Inheritance Trilogy by Christopher Paolini. The style is interesting, and I found the rhyme enjoyable, although it could do with some metered revision.

    As for the theme, it is depressing yet recurring, and sadly realisitic. It's pitiful how much hope we all hold while manually destroying the world we all love, the land of our parents and children. It gives us so much and we give so much more back, but the gifts are so different. It sounds cliché, but it's fascinating how much the small things matter. But while we're all so busy worrying about the big things (the ones beyond our reach) we dismiss them.

    DeepDreamer2008

    | Posted on 2006-09-09 00:00:00 | by DeepDreamer2008 | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi I liked your poem and like everyone of us I really can relate to it.
    We are living in a world where hatred rules, so it might end up in a fouls war.
    I have done a great job. Your poem is like a sad but beautiful painting.
    I really did enjoy reading it.
    with love shabnam
    | Posted on 2004-11-22 00:00:00 | by shabnam | [ Reply to This ]
      Hello I am a blue eyed blonde with a great body and beautiful face. Apparently I am one half Austrian and one fourth native and anouther one fourth British. So a little native although you could never tell except by my olive skin and my mother will never admit! Anyway I like your exerpt/expose! It is a wonderful explanation of history and the damage that it has caused. My favourite line is "he claimed that his reason was salvation, but his true agenda was anniliation"! Great line! Good job
    Aldergrovegal
    | Posted on 2004-10-15 00:00:00 | by aldergrovegal | [ Reply to This ]
      I LOVED THIS ONE, I really did, the conversation between the two ravens is very well presented and very well written too, the metaphors used are spectacular like "No man's land", "the sky will soon fall", I liked it specially the part that says "He started a war that lasted long, a foul war that its cause was all wrong, he claimed that his reason was salvation but his true agenda was annihilation" and the last part that says "No humans no trees no life at all, it looked like the sky will soon fall. And now all is left is us –the ravens- and that why it is called (Land of the Ravens).", choosing the ravens to tell the story is a very good choice, I think you should put this one in "Deep Thoughts".
    | Posted on 2004-10-08 00:00:00 | by Yousef | [ Reply to This ]
      I like it, your words create a vivid image that will stick with the reader. The idea of the raven and battle, and the erie no man's land. keep it up
    | Posted on 2004-10-07 00:00:00 | by Chava | [ Reply to This ]
      this is awsome! really good. i think you write good short stories. you have a certain flair for it. certainly you do! and i'm not flattering you or anything! the dialogue was good, but sometimes i used to get confused as to who was speaking, so i would suggest putting the dialogues in quotes, no changes really just so that people find it more easier to read.

    adn yes the way i look at it, ravens suggest hate and you know, desolate. thats what the world is full with, thats what you want to say?

    anyways like dit!

    ZU
    | Posted on 2004-12-03 00:00:00 | by Zu | [ Reply to This ]
      Okay. The story, the READING of the story, was beautiful. It was perfect. I saw some things about the form that could be revised, majorly grammar. But the story is so good that you could really just say [censored] that, and leave it like it is.
    My favorite line was ' he claimed that his reason was salvation but his true agenda was annihilation'
    ~peace
    | Posted on 2004-10-31 00:00:00 | by Alize | [ Reply to This ]



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