Sign up to EliteSkills




Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

This Ones For You


Author: Medieval Aztec
ASL Info:    20/M/IL
Elite Ratio:    4.85 - 44 /40 /8
Words: 171
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 1340
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 948



Description:


What are you looking for in terms of feedback? Any background information behind the piece? Hints? Is this just to vent? Emotional state while writing?


This Ones For You



To all those whose love was honest and dear
But in the end there heart stabbed by the spear
To all those who work so savegely hard
To find out there life is still wrong and barred
To all those who cry alone at night
Only to wake up and have no sight

This ones for you

For all of those who belive in a god
And end up dying as a stupid clod
For all those who see what cant be seen
And dream dreams that most believe are scheme
For all those who take life in stride
And end up choking on there own damn pride

This ones for you

To all who control there lives
Just to find out it was all lies
To all those who shriek and scream in pain
All for the amusement of the evil game
To all those who think there free
Only to be killed because it was me

This ones for you




Submitted on 2004-10-08 07:16:47     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!




Comments


  Salve! ah! I love it. Thanks for suggesting me reading you stuff becasue this is now one of my favorites. It kinda reminded me of like a war speech for like spartucus or something. Carpe diem to you to and facio non facira;
Vale
Kacey latin is my life!
| Posted on 2005-01-28 00:00:00 | by Lachesis | [ Reply to This ]
  I have to say that your are unique in your writing and I enjoyed every bit of it.And loved this
-For all those who see what cant be seen
And dream dreams that most believe are scheme
For all those who take life in stride
And end up choking on there own damn pride-
This was beautiful and it is a favorite.
Denise
| Posted on 2005-01-19 00:00:00 | by Forgiven | [ Reply to This ]
  this is so something that i would write...but you wrote it much better than i could im sure. everything was great and i ahve nothing to complain about. i love the pattern you have with the 6 lined stanzas and the repitition of "this ones for you". really nice!
-sweet
| Posted on 2005-01-18 00:00:00 | by sweet-fire | [ Reply to This ]
  Pretty cool...You targetted me too many times throughout this piece. Most of the things I would say has been said by Jim, so I wont repeat them, but I also found that you have slight grammar errors in using "their" :

To find out there life is still wrong and barred
like this one. It just struck me over and over when I would read.
That's it!
| Posted on 2004-10-08 00:00:00 | by Suven7 | [ Reply to This ]
  I like the way you decided on a rhyme scheme and stuck at it throughout, I find that a hard thing to do, especially two lines together, so I respect the difficulty and the challenge you have set youself. Because of this though, some of the rhymes will seem forced, and I think that the best example is 'god' and 'clod' because 'clod' is not a regular word and is just there. Other than that, the message was good and the overall write was fairly nice write on...
| Posted on 2004-10-08 00:00:00 | by JimweiZERO | [ Reply to This ]
  I'm no fan of rhyming unfortunately... probably since I'm no good at it... but in this piece you've done a good job in getting the message across while staying within the rhythm of the lines. Bar a few typos (there instead of their) it stands to be a good write. My fav line has to be: "And end up choking on there own damn pride"...
| Posted on 2004-10-08 00:00:00 | by Beulah | [ Reply to This ]
  To all those who think there free
Only to be killed because it was me

yes the message is quite deep and very good but this last line and I hate the term "is definitely forced"

To all those who think thier free
til thier brought back to reality...may work a tad better, just a suggestion, and there=thier, but nonetheless I liked it and can see the obvious talent, keep up the good work...Bob:)
| Posted on 2004-10-08 00:00:00 | by poetryman | [ Reply to This ]
  Well thank you. The whole love thing...*nods*. My poem you read "Lost, Never Found." Totally was me in that first stanza on love...being stabbed and hurt over and over again. This really touched me and is going to the favorites. Awesome job, please keep it up I love your work.
~BCute
| Posted on 2005-01-09 00:00:00 | by BCute | [ Reply to This ]
  although it kinda bugged me how you would only rhyme in some places, this is really great.
For all those who take life in stride
And end up choking on there own damn pride
This is my favorite line I think.
Wonderful write.

Rain
| Posted on 2005-01-10 00:00:00 | by Rain | [ Reply to This ]


Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?



27249