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    dots Submission Name: Darknessdots

    Author: Kera
    ASL Info:    18-f-NH
    Elite Ratio:    3.67 - 116/129/29
    Words: 138
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 764
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 831


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    Hello Darkness.
    I see we meet again,
    I swear it is to soon,
    you have come to often.

    You make me hide in the corner,
    You make my run away.
    Why must you do this Darkness?
    Why must you make me sway?

    What I really want,
    Is for you to leave,
    But you seem to like to hang around,
    You seem to like to make me grieve.

    Does this come as pleasure,
    Seeing someone in pain?
    Just do it for the kicks,
    Seeing someone slain.

    I do not like this Darkness,
    I do not like it at all.
    I wish you would just leave me be,
    The exit is down the hall.

    Goodbye Darkness.
    I wish we not meet again,
    I do not like having you around,
    You are driving me insane.

    Submitted on 2004-10-08 12:32:31     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
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    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I liked this. But, stuff to think about for redrafts:

    The rhyme scheme is like a metronome - regular, predicatable, pretty boring to be honest. You could really do wonders with this, all sorts of internal rhymes (The Raven by Poe is a brilliant example of internal rhymes!)

    What would also be good in this for a redraft would be some really interesting, strange vocab, something like:

    "Your ebony bones choke my resolve,
    your cloak smothers me as i lay,
    silent velvet is your footsteps
    as you endlessly stalk the day"

    Would be a good verse in this.

    BTW, love the topic. You could do so much with this...
    | Posted on 2004-10-09 00:00:00 | by whiteknight | [ Reply to This ]
      well you opened up. but at the same time it seems cut off. not quite much flow. like what you were saying was stuck in and not gracefully danced in" but it is pretty good. i persoanlly love darkness. don't push it away if it keeps comming bavk. shroud your self in it. breath in it let it make you clam...
    | Posted on 2004-10-08 00:00:00 | by Moonshadow | [ Reply to This ]
      Well you laid out your thoughts well and the personification of darkness was good. The poem flowed well but it seemed to be "spoon fed" to the reader to some extent. Some of the rhymes seemed to be a little forced too. All in all though this is not a bad poem for someone your age, but I think in the future it would help you in your writing if you didn't use I as much. Also, if you could try to not just state what you feel or want, and maybe use imagery to try to explain them. This is just my opinion so take it for that. Good luck in writing, later
    | Posted on 2004-10-08 00:00:00 | by Matthew Grey | [ Reply to This ]

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