[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Darknessdots

    Author: Kera
    ASL Info:    18-f-NH
    Elite Ratio:    3.67 - 116/129/29
    Words: 138
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 810
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 831


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    Hello Darkness.
    I see we meet again,
    I swear it is to soon,
    you have come to often.

    You make me hide in the corner,
    You make my run away.
    Why must you do this Darkness?
    Why must you make me sway?

    What I really want,
    Is for you to leave,
    But you seem to like to hang around,
    You seem to like to make me grieve.

    Does this come as pleasure,
    Seeing someone in pain?
    Just do it for the kicks,
    Seeing someone slain.

    I do not like this Darkness,
    I do not like it at all.
    I wish you would just leave me be,
    The exit is down the hall.

    Goodbye Darkness.
    I wish we not meet again,
    I do not like having you around,
    You are driving me insane.

    Submitted on 2004-10-08 12:32:31     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I liked this. But, stuff to think about for redrafts:

    The rhyme scheme is like a metronome - regular, predicatable, pretty boring to be honest. You could really do wonders with this, all sorts of internal rhymes (The Raven by Poe is a brilliant example of internal rhymes!)

    What would also be good in this for a redraft would be some really interesting, strange vocab, something like:

    "Your ebony bones choke my resolve,
    your cloak smothers me as i lay,
    silent velvet is your footsteps
    as you endlessly stalk the day"

    Would be a good verse in this.

    BTW, love the topic. You could do so much with this...
    | Posted on 2004-10-09 00:00:00 | by whiteknight | [ Reply to This ]
      well you opened up. but at the same time it seems cut off. not quite much flow. like what you were saying was stuck in and not gracefully danced in" but it is pretty good. i persoanlly love darkness. don't push it away if it keeps comming bavk. shroud your self in it. breath in it let it make you clam...
    | Posted on 2004-10-08 00:00:00 | by Moonshadow | [ Reply to This ]
      Well you laid out your thoughts well and the personification of darkness was good. The poem flowed well but it seemed to be "spoon fed" to the reader to some extent. Some of the rhymes seemed to be a little forced too. All in all though this is not a bad poem for someone your age, but I think in the future it would help you in your writing if you didn't use I as much. Also, if you could try to not just state what you feel or want, and maybe use imagery to try to explain them. This is just my opinion so take it for that. Good luck in writing, later
    | Posted on 2004-10-08 00:00:00 | by Matthew Grey | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    In the Mouth of Elysium written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Pressure written by hybridsongwrite
    Love Can Be... written by HAVENSMITH92
    It's Night Now written by RisingSon
    In My Head written by faideddarkness
    I will call out your name written by RisingSon
    Bond written by saartha
    Date night written by expiring_touch
    Song written by Daniel Barlow
    Sunset written by rev.jpfadeproof
    To the King written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Unfortunate Reality written by TeslaKoyal
    In the end written by Janesaddiction
    Our Cinder Crisis written by SavedDragon
    Giving written by jjd
    Pain, an elixir. written by Ramneet
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Bee Keeper written by endlessgame23
    untitled written by Chelebel
    Wasps written by Wolfwatching
    Munyonyo written by expiring_touch
    Wish written by Daniel Barlow
    Hopelessly Blind written by ForgottenGraves
    One Thing written by Wolfwatching
    Cage written by distortedcloud
    The Promise written by annie0888
    Ten Poems written by Wolfwatching
    Hollow Points written by RequiemOfDreams
    Treasure Chest written by PieceOfCake
    Fathoms of the Lullaby Sea written by HisNameIsNoMore




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]