Beauty and Wisdom by Leila

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Submission Name: Beauty and Wisdom dots

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Author:	Leila
ASL Info:	19/female/South Africa
Elite Ratio:	4.23 - 98/85/18
Words:	147

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	392
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	886

Description:
This is my first ever sonnet. So any advice and opinions would be appreciated.
I have one thing to say about it: it sucks to grow old, but it happens, so get over it and stay witty.

Beauty and Wisdom dots

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1Lost is the beauty that once befell a fair maiden
2To days and nights and a swaying, ticking clock
3Gone is the milky reflection, the piercing eyes of a raven
4When the fate of time, at his journey's end 5came to knock
6Lay down your charms for a day when beauty is reborn
7For no temptress won hearts in the age gone to seed
7Instead let your bitter mind embrace every new dawn
8Grasp all that the cosmos have to teach, untill you can no longer heed
9Sun to birth of sun, you will grow weaker
10Your wealth of knowledge great, from days so short gone by
11The harvest is ripe of seeds sowed, now be its reaper
12Soon the tick-tock melody will cease its monotonous cry
13Time is quick and cannot be out-run by the loveliest being
14When perfection of beauty depletes, only wisedom may beam

Submitted on 2004-10-09 11:31:53 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Very good the pome has a single theme. Makes one think, for a bit . Out of curiousness. Nothing wrong really with replacing wisdom for beauty
Not much said about beholding the old soon to be dead. its ok cause u stayed on your point. I think a wise person would not be overly concerned with these thoughts. On the outside yes the theme. However wisdom has a deeper beauty. A wise word at the right time in it's self is beauty. Innocense does not judge beauty but appreciates Wisdom lol i turned this into a debate sry. However u did hold your them and some of it was kinda tough to realize that. So to that i say Gratzz oh ty for the comment on Awakings, I will work on that. Punchation stuff yes u are right in saying so, I mostly typed it as i wrote it long ago all in all good write
| Posted on 2006-04-13 00:00:00 | by Gannondalf | [ Reply to This ]
  well I don't know a thing about sonnets, but the words are good choice for thus. I had a hard time concentrating on reading and couldn't finish cuz the numbers kept getting in my way.
| Posted on 2004-10-09 00:00:00 | by hotrodruss | [ Reply to This ]
  Wish I could say I had the faintest clue what Daniel was talking about... my expertise falls way short of interpreting his feedback and I hope it is constructive for you. I really enjoyed the poem and felt the rhythm was consistent and made the words flow. Good write.
| Posted on 2004-10-09 00:00:00 | by Beulah | [ Reply to This ]
  New style (at least for me), the numbers blinded me and irritated me so much, but other than that the words are enjoyable, keep it up.
| Posted on 2004-10-09 00:00:00 | by Yousef | [ Reply to This ]
  I liked the idea...obviously the numbers are an error but they distract....

as a brief rundown of a sonnet....

14 lines of unstressed/stressed (IAMBS)...10 syllables each line. 2 syllables makes a metrical foot.

dut DUT dut DUT dut DUT dut DUT dut DUT

there are some allowable substitutions but you basically need at least 3 feet of (iambs)

The basic, sonnet is a Shakespearean sonnet.

abab cdcd efef gg...makes the rhymes sequence...

3 quatrains (groups of 4 lines) and a couplet

the sonnet's meant for focusing on an idea...

first quatrain...the sky is red...

2nd quatrain...the sky is red...with different shades

in about the 3rd quatrain you introduce a volta....

a volta is a change in thinking/twist...ie the sky is green...

then the couplet needs a twist....

check out brushing off the lichen...silverdog gave it a thorough review which explains better, but you'll see the idea.

Good content but it doesn't fit the form.

Best wishes
| Posted on 2004-10-09 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
  well done for conventional sonnet form-takes guts. Maybe you should get rid of the numbers unless theyre meant to be there? Interesting notion, beauty withers but only wisdom remains. Skilfully written and very pleasant to read. I'm not so sure that all would agree with you about the fact that wisdom remains what with senility and all. The use of the sonnet is succesful in addressing the timelessness of wisdom.
| Posted on 2004-10-09 00:00:00 | by HaAtzmah | [ Reply to This ]
  well i liked it but not as much as usually i would.... I liked the words but not the flow of it i've never read a poem like this which may be why i dont really like it but i like the happiness in it
| Posted on 2004-10-09 00:00:00 | by rising_dreams | [ Reply to This ]
  Hey, I just stopped by 'cause Leila is the name of a character in a novel I am writing.

I also don't know what a sonnet is supposed to be, but this was a very nice piece. Others seem to know the technical stuff you need to know.

I didn't understand 'Sun to birth of sun'

It sounds like you think you are already worried about getting old...

Might I suggest a poem of mine that deals with the very subjects you bring up. 'Silk & Marble' It has a different outcome!
| Posted on 2006-04-20 00:00:00 | by D McDaniel | [ Reply to This ]

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