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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Chiaroscuro (Rewrite)dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: secret moon
    Elite Ratio:    6.54 - 687/427/57
    Words: 107
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 919
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 954



    Description:
       This is a rewrite, with much thought put into it. Please don't just smash it for no apparent reason, but don't give me unmeaningful "you-did-greats" either. I would really appreciate constructive critisism. Thanks!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsChiaroscuro (Rewrite)dots
    -------------------------------------------


    my candle
    flickers

    light-dark
    light-dark


    flame dances
    to your mesmerizing song

    burning eyes like chips of ice
    bitter blue frigidity
    of endless northern oceans


    my fingers sear-burn in an instant -
    feeble attempt at confinement

    frost-glare to extinguish the
    last ember in a soul
    paralysis stealing in - the product of unrecognition
    frost-dagger-of-forget pierces this bloodless heart


    shimmering weave of gold-red-blue
    fire consumes to remain alive

    light-dark
    light-dark
    arctic love-fever
    finally bursts the last warmth-bubbles
    the lethal product of
    your single frozen stare




    Submitted on 2004-10-09 21:16:37     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      So, I'm not sure what Chiaroscure is. But aside from that, I like the imagery in the poem. The feel of it, hmm... for some reason I didn't really feel any emotions in this, just quiet, cold, it really is like a candle flickering in the dark. And I'll just say again, I really do like this imagery, but the wording of it, when I read it all together it just seems like words to me. I have to stop and read each line very carefully to have it sink in. Not that, that's necessarily a bad thing, that just may be me. But a good job overall!
    | Posted on 2004-10-13 00:00:00 | by DewdropMartini | [ Reply to This ]
      You pulled off Chiaroscuro better in this rewrite. It is a lot more evident. The usage of light and dark, heat and cold was good. Using the word "darking" in the beginning didn't sound quite right to me. I'm not sure if there is another word you could use to describe the room becoming dark again when the candle flickers. I felt a bit confused, probably because there seems to be more behind this poem that isn't revealed. I have to agree with Southern Rain on understanding the piece better if I knew where you were coming from and what the story is behind the piece.
    ~Ravenwood
    | Posted on 2004-10-11 00:00:00 | by Ravenwood | [ Reply to This ]
      hmm...kinda confused...maybe its because i havent read your original one. but ill be sure to read that one ASAP. but otherwise this seemed to flow but it will hopefully be better when i read the original one!
    bren
    | Posted on 2004-10-10 00:00:00 | by Day DreaMeR | [ Reply to This ]
      I couldn't tap into any feeling in this. It left me cold. The language is sophisticated. Maybe too sophisticated. This poem feels calculated, somehow. I wish I could be more constructive. I'll give it a shot. Reading it for the third time:

    It's overcomplicated. You're trying too hard to be clever, I think. Remember that this is just my opinion. Strip it down. I'll give an example using just one stanza:

    'eyes flashing in the shadows
    chipped from ice-hard freeze
    bitter-blue frigid of endless oceans northernmost'

    'eyes flashing in the shadows' - flashing eyes in shadows are too clichéd, I think.

    'ice-hard freeze'. Ice is hard and freezing. The concepts 'hard' and 'freeze' are conveyed by one word: 'ice'. Why are you using three words that convey the same thing?

    'bitter-blue frigid of endless oceans northernmost'. This is a jumbled sentence; what are you trying to convey? It would make more sense as 'bitter blue endless frigid northern oceans' but it still feels awkward and over-long. As 'northern' gets the idea of their being cold I don't think you need 'frigid'.

    I would edit the entire stanza to this:

    eyes chipped from ice,
    the bitter blue
    of endless northern oceans.


    You may find that horribly pruned-down, but I tried to get to the heart of the image you wanted.

    Do not obscure your meaning with words…

    Becky


    | Posted on 2004-10-10 00:00:00 | by SugarMouse | [ Reply to This ]
      It's comparing the love for this guy with fire in a candle that this man extinguishes. At least, thats what I got from this piece.
    Ok, writing advice? This style is very, very good. Not everyone will be able to extract meanings from this (hard in this one, took me a while! Perhaps i'm simply stupid...) so in future, use those beautiful images, metaphors and lines you have to support the message, not obfuscate it! Like someone said, this is beautiful! Urm, reminds me of this other poem; it's about people stealing his yams. Never mind. Anyway, more people will understand this if you just make it a little more direct; maybe one more rewrite?
    Still, beautiful work here, and as writing styles go, this one's a tuffy.
    ~later
    | Posted on 2004-10-10 00:00:00 | by whiteknight | [ Reply to This ]
      OK - Being honest here. I like this. You're drawing a picture of a moment when the fire of love was extinguished by a cold stare of non-recognition. However, I had to read your original to get even this far into the meaning. The phrasing is just a bit obscure. I would be just a small amount more direct, not too much, just enough to let the reader in on what's happening. The phrases are unique and colorful and we don't want to lose that. The coldness comparisons are intriguing and offset the burning flame of love. Keep all of those. I question the lines "lighting-dark", "darking-light" and "light-dark", "light-dark". What do they add to your poem? I like the format, cold vs. hot in different font styles, clever. So with a few small changes I think this can become a more direct and equally beautiful piece of work. I hope this helps you. I enjoyed your poem, the phrases and format pulled me in. I hope you alter it just a bit, so that fools like me can get to the meaning. Thanks for sharing your exceptional skills with us.

    Phil
    | Posted on 2004-10-09 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
      io would love to know what that word means, but over all i totally fell in love with the words you used... the only thing i wished was a little different, and stood out because it didnt quiet fit was "burning eyes like chips of ice
    bitter blue frigidity
    of endless northern oceans"
    you gave reasons for the other comparisons and images, but you left this one alone.. change it or keep it... it fits just the same.. but it as the only thing i thought that jkept it from perfection
    | Posted on 2004-10-28 00:00:00 | by Josh | [ Reply to This ]
      It took five reads for me to get to the emotion here, and I think this could be a powerful poem if you simply phrased certain things better. For example, 'frost-dagger-of-forget' - forgetful frost dagger. 'now-bloodless heart' - bloodless heart, or heart drained of blood. 'love fever of arctic-burning-yearning' - Arctic love fever (the word 'fever' conveys burning and yearning by itself). 'last warmth-bubbles' - last warm bubbles, or last bubbles of warmth. Take out 'death devours' entirely. It's melodramatic and the ending would be punchier as simply 'The lethal product / of your single frozen stare'.

    Becky
    | Posted on 2004-10-10 00:00:00 | by SugarMouse | [ Reply to This ]


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